Going crazy

I am so stressed right now, I feel like I am going crazy. This week I have the biggest exam of my life. My heartbeat is racing even if I still have 4 more days until the exam. I am so stressed, I feel like I just need to go somewhere and just relax. That's why today I am going to the countryside, even if it's just 40 minutes away from the city it's the perfect place to relax instead of staying in this small apartment. I will be able to concentrate and focus on what's important whilst staying here it's just driving me crazy. I feel the pressure pushing me and I hope that by the end of this week things will turn out okay. These 3 years of college were all for this big exam. I hope I won't fail, I worked too much for this, too many hours and too much time invested in this. I pray that everything will turn out okay and then I will be able to say I am a college graduate. But until then I will keep on worrying, that's just who I am. 

Re-thinking

When you stand in front of death, almost nothing matters. It doesn't matter that that day you ate French fries, or that the coffee was too sweet, the thing that really matters is, maybe, before you die you remember you fought with your brother that day, you forgot to kiss your mom before you got out of the house, or maybe you just didn't consider important to tell the people you love something nice because you thought you will have enough time later. And those things remain unsaid, forever, just because you didn't tell them at the right moment. I can't stop thinking how death comes often unexpected, but at the same time I think about the people that know that they are going to die, it's a parallel between these things, a parallel of feelings and lives, everything so different when we were supposed to be all equal. So many people die before their time, children that didn't have the chance to live enough, all because of health mainly, and we, the majority don't appreciate our health and we waste our time doing nothing, when this time is so valuable for others, for people that have their days counted. You think how unfair it is for a 13 years old girl to die of cancer, and then you feel proud in a way of her because she accomplished so much in those 13 years and touched so many hearts, and I, 22 years old, healthy, I am not capable of living my life to the fullest, just because my mind is telling me I have time.
RIP Talia.

Turning 22

Today was my birthday. It was supposed to be a happy day, but it was actually a sad day. A few days ago 18 people were killed in a bus accident in Montenegro, and 29 suffered injuries. Some of the people that died that day were buried today. They were all Romanians. I consider it to be a freak accident and apparently the bus driver was trying to avoid some kids that were on the road and that's how the accident happened. I can't stop thinking of it, of how those people must have felt before they died, did they feel any pain? So tragic.. So I spent my birthday thinking of those people, I don't know them in person, but I think of them, and they didn't know that morning was their last day here.
I remember 4 years ago this day, Michael Jackson died, it was the day I turned 18. I will never forget that. It  was a sad day for everyone. 
I wonder what will happen next year on my birthday, will I be celebrating or mourning someone?

I wish..

"Everyone comes with baggage. 
Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."

Once step forward

       So many people inspire us every day. After years, we find old friends, colleagues or professors that we can say we are proud of and the fact that we met at some point in our lives. We realize that after 10 years, we all changed so much we've grown and learned so much. We realize after 10 years that a former schoolmate is famous, and we feel proud of him, in a way that we can not describe. Our lives intersected at some point and it feels nice to meet him/them after many years. You can tell maturity or time has left its mark on us, but we see things so different than we did when we were kids. Now I have learned to be attentive to details, the little things, they are the ones that make us appreciate life and everything we have. You don't know me, you only think you do, but you don't know who I really am. If someone would ask me what superpower I would love to have, I would definitely say that I didn't want to be invisible, because I already am. I go through life unnoticed, walk fast, maybe I'm afraid that someone would stop me. I'm fast and rarely look at people in the eyes, maybe I am afraid someone might discover who I really am, what lies beyond my brown eyes. Someone might discover the true me and my heart.
        Perhaps I often use excuses for who I am, because I am afraid of what others may think about me, I feel alone in my world, but the truth is  everything is my decision, I control everything in my life, but I often leave my  fears to control me. I like to read, and an author (I don't remember his name right now), once said, do not ever apologize for who you are. I repeat this every day and discover that I did change a lot in the last 10 years, I am a completely different person. I slowly learn to love myself and discover who I really am. I am learning to find my place in the world..

A big day for me

I remember 24 hours ago I was nervous and anxious for today, I didn't know what to expect. Well, the day is almost over. The graduation ceremony was shorter than I thought and thank God I didn't fell in front of all those people. It was an important moment in my life, finishing college and being with my family. Today was just one of those day that you will remember for the rest of your life. Time goes so fast and the end of something is always nostalgic, it brings up so many memories.

Another milestone in my life

       I am finishing college, tomorrow I have the graduation ceremony. Oh my God, I really can't believe it, it's kind of surreal. I still remember the first day of college, I didn't even know which way to go, the first course, the first person I met. 3 years. Time does goes too fast. I am almost 22 now and so many things happened in these 3 years, good and bad. So many memories, and this is the ending. Or maybe the beginning of something else, as so many people say. I am so nervous, I don't want to mess up tomorrow, and walking in heels is so hard. LOL But the most important thing is I really don't care, that's one of the things I learned in these 3 years, if I mess up, I will laugh and keep going, life is too short to worry and care what other people say. Life is beautiful, even when it rains outside. So I will enjoy every moment tomorrow, even if I fall. Fingers crossed I don't... 

Highlight of the day

Maybe this should become a daily thing: "Highlight of the day". So I went to church today, it's funny and strange in the same time how a place where you go once or twice a year ( in my case) can make you think about life and things. People meet there to pray together for them and for others. That's one of my highlights: going to church.Another highlight would be spending time with my family, and laughing, especially people that were laughing at my jokes. Visiting my grandparents is another highlight, only God knows for how long I will still have them by my side. I lost two of my grandparents in the last 9 years so I am thankful for still having these other two with me still. Another highlight would be being able to listen to music on my way back home. Many people are deaf, so I am thankful for being able to hear and being healthy. We often take health for granted as in many things in life.

I want to run.

Yesterday I had this feeling that maybe I should run without looking back ever again, leave everything behind  and start everything in another country, meet new people and just live my life and have no regrets. No regrets. At all. There is a saying in my country that suggests that often children become like their parents, they inherite customs and body language, and I am honestly afraid to be like that when I will be older. I don't want to live my life for others, but absolutely no one knows how it feels to live in my skin. No one. People try to judge, try to only see the appearences, but that's not the real person, not the real me. I often ask myself if I was gone, would anyone miss me? Or maybe I am just a shadow that no one sees. When two people fight I am in the background observing everything, and thinking that those people only think about themselves, if I was gone, would they notice? I wish someone would understand me. And no, I am not depressed, I am only one of 7 billions people that are trying to figure out who they are, trying to see where I fit in this world, and who will be by my side when I go through tough days. Who will be there for my good days and for my bad days? No one yet.

Quote of the day

"Never ignore someone who cares for you, because someday you'll realize you've lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones. "

A second can make a difference..

You are just a stranger for me. Most of the people are. We pass each other on the street and forget that we ever met. And that is once in a lifetime opportunity, we don't stop, we keep going and just getting on with our lives, forgetting that we ever saw each other. Strangers.. But if sometimes you do stop and talk, in that second your whole life could change, meeting a new person, making a new friend, changing your life a little bit, in only one second everything will be different. Someone could make you smile, you could have someone that one day, when you will have a hard day will make you smile, someone to call, someone's shoulder to cry on. One second can change all your life. It's your decision. Will you stop or you will continue to walk?

Faith

"Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, and on the day of the prayer all of them gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella.That's faith."

                                                                                               
                                                                                        Have no regrets.

Faith

"Every night we go to bed, without having any assurance that we will wake up next day, but we still set the alarm for the morning.That's hope."

                                                                               Have no regrets. 

Another tear on my keyboard #2

What do you do when you feel that people don't appreciate you and the friendship you have? When you feel that you are just the spare wheel? It's funny how people say they are going to change, but they don't and they still remain selfish and doing everything for themselves and thinking it's ok to ignore others, because they won't get upset, just because they are good people and they forgive. Well, those type of "kind people" get tired sometimes, and I got tired not just once, but many times. I talked about walls a long time ago, and they are building, they started building when I stopped talking about a certain topic and they are slowly growing in height. The only thing I can do is to protect myself from being hurt, or getting hurt as little as possible. And today is the first day of the rest of my life, this year is going too fast already. We are already in February and I feel like yesterday it was New Year's Eve, so there is no time to waste. Small changes come from inside, and I said at the start of the year that I want to focus more on myself, so I will try to delete all that is negative or ignore it, just ignore everything that makes me hurt..And remember that what goes around comes around. 

Little things that matter

I was watching a video on YouTube today and there was a couple that was talking about how they met, and they said of how important is to appreciate and realize how much you accomplished in a period of time. Being happy for the people you have in your life and the things that you've done in a period of 5 years, for example. Because we sometimes don't look at things like that, we don't feel proud about the things we learned in a year or the people we met, and those are the things that matter the most. We learn a new thing everyday, but we still say our day was boring and normal. It's good to look back and compare how far you've came, life is too short to ignore those kind of small things, because those are the things that make your life. 

Life is hard to understand

Sometimes you question about what God really wants. We live day by day without realizing that our life will come to an end someday, maybe today, tomorrow, or in a year, or maybe we will live for 100 years or more. No one knows the future. But the reason why we question God is that we hear about people dying at 35 of cancer or 6 months old babies that die before they even had the chance to live. Those are signals that should show us and wake us from our dreams that the end might be near, and maybe it is. Who knows? Live each day as if it was your last one, enjoy the happy moments in your life and appreciate every person you have in your life. Our moments are counted and in a blink of an eye everything can end, will you be happy with what you done so far?

Another lonely day

It's snowing outside. Everything is white and the snow looks so good when it doesn't have steps in it, just a sea of white, untouched by no one. It makes me think about all the little things in life that make my life brighter and easier, those kind of things that we don't notice because we are used to them being there. Like if you want to read you have an entire bookcase to read or if you are thirsty you have enough water to drink. While others don't. We often take things for granted, maybe we should thank God more for having those things. We are so blessed, but in the same time we feel so miserable and we want more and more.Just sit and reflect about this, how often do you pray and thank God for everything that he gave you? Your health, your family or friends that you have, people that you can count on. Not everyone is that lucky..

Words stuck in my head

Sometimes, all you need is someone to remind you about certain things. Yesterday, for example,  I was talking to by best friend and it was the first time we talked this year and I told him that I have a feeling that something will happen on my birthday and he said that in order for things to happen, I should make them happen by doing something. It was just one of those moments when you feel like something hit you and you realize things, he was right, we are responsible for what happens in our lives, so if we want things, we should make them true, but often our fear stops us from making our dreams come true.  The other thing that he told me and I kept thinking about even after we stopped talking was that I should learn to love myself, he was so right, so I hope to accomplish that this year, learn to accept myself more, body and soul, because nobody's perfect. 

2nd of January

This day will always be a sad day for me. Last year, on this day my grandma died. I will never forget that day. 2011 was one of the hardest years I have ever lived, and the beginning of 2012 was sad, I will remember that day forever. It's hard when you have time to realize that you will lose one of the persons you love most, because when it does happen it hits you hard and the pain is intense that you feel that your world might end. And now, a year after, I sit here and remember and what I learned from this last year is that I should remember her as the person that was all of her life and not how she spent the last months of her life in pain. And I should be happy that now she is there and doesn't feel pain anymore and I know she is watching me from above and she will always be with me. I miss you grandma..

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year world. I will start by saying that I don't like to make new year resolutions, because in the end I will abandon them, but I do have some wishes for this year. They are wishes that will make me focus more on my life and on myself, and that will make me a better person I hope. So the first wish for this year would be for me to be better and to work more and give more of myself for the projects or things I do. I want to give more to other people and offer my help without expecting to receive something in return. I want to focus on me by using my time for me too, and stop using my time for people that don't deserve it and don't appreciate it, I want to use my time wisely from now on. So this year I will take things slowly and put one foot before the other, I won't rush to do things, I will focus to be myself more in the real life and I hope that by the end of the year positive changes will occur. I will end by saying that I found myself going back to the post I published last year, exactly this day, and after that day things weren't the same. So remember what I said back then "I would like to look at my past with a smile and believe my life was worth living". 

                                                                                          Don't lose hope. 

25th of December

It's Christmas Day. Merry Christmas. Well, this day should have been a happy one surrounded by family and friends and joy and smiles. My day was far from being like that. I cried today. A lot. My dad was the reason I was sad, he acts like he's the boss of everything and everyone even when the rest of the people tell him he is wrong, he still says he is right. Always. In these kind of moments, I am full of anger and desperate to get away from all. But unfortunatelly I am still a student living with my parents and following their rules, because they told me one day "as long as you live in this house, you will follow our rules". I can't wait to be on my own, and this time I will get closer to this, one step at a time, because it's my life and I should live it using my own rules. No more games. Times go by and I do nothing. But things will change. Slowly they will change.

                                                                                                          Merry Christmas.

Another tear on my keyboard.

Sometimes people take advantage of you if you are too good, especially when you invest more time in something than they do. And that's when you must build walls, because giving yourself and putting your time into something that isn't productive isn't good for you and doesn't help into growing as a person. Why be there for someone that only thinks about himself, and never sees things the way you see them, not even trying. Wasting time for nothing. Maybe I am depressed and tomorrow I will see things in a different light, but today I will stop trying. 
I hope one day someone will make you cry as much as you made me cry.

One moment in time

I started writing this blog last year, after Christmas. I just felt like I didn't have to procrastinate things anymore, because life's too short for that and I feel like I have a lot of things to say. So why not start doing what my heart tells me to right now? I use this blog to get things out of my head, because sometimes all my thoughts meet in one place, and my head might explode one day because of that.Well, I know I am exaggerating, but don't you think that sometimes?  So I thought about writing things down and maybe sharing them with the rest of the world. But I know that most of the views on this blog are my own. And even if I don't write that much in a blog post, and even if you are just a stranger reading these lines, at least in one moment in our lives, our paths have crossed, just one moment, because the next moment you will press the X button and go on with your life, but for one moment, that maybe could change everything, you and I shared something. Who knows what tomorrow brings, or what my thoughts will be about? I certainly don't. And I know that after I finish writing this, I will be the one who will press the X button too. So, until the next time we meet stranger, remember that in this life there are a lot of X buttons, so think about how many times you will press them, it's your choice, will you stay or will you go?

If only..

I was randomly looking at videos on YouTube and I came across a movie I saw years ago. It was called "If only", I instantly remembered all of it. It's about a couple, and the woman has an accident and dies and the man has a chance to go back and see her again and he tries to change things, and the accident and he is the one who dies in the accident at the end of the movie. It's so sad, but it shows how short life can be and that we should do what our hearts tells us to, and appreciate every small or big thing we have, every person and capture every moment, because every moment is special, and you never know when life will end. Because this day will never happen again, and we won't always have our parents or grandparents, or all our friends with us, and you never know what the next memory will be about. So cherish every single thing that happens, even if it's a smile or a tear, you can always learn something from everything. We never stop learning, do we?

Running away from home

I keep dreaming about running away from home. I already dreamt about it 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. And it's not like I have where to go. In my dream, I run away from my family and they are trying to find me, but I hide and I keep running. Maybe I need to find my freedom, or maybe I am not happy with my life, or deep inside I want to leave everything behind. I wish these dreams would stop. They make me think more about my life and if I am really happy where I am. But I don't want to lie to myself, and maybe if my education was complete, I would run..

Second day of September

How often do you feel like crashing

Laying on a pillow and never wake up?

How often can you freeze and never move again,

Life still moves on, another day makes you begin again,

And see that every coin has two sides,

In memory of yesterday you learn to smile

For the love of tomorrow you learn to fly.

Grieving someone that I didn't know

I just feel like writing right now. My best friend's uncle's funeral was a few weeks ago, he had cancer, stage 4. She told me he knew he was sick, but didn't tell no one, and on his last check up the doctor told him he only has 10 days to live and exactly 10 days later, he died. He had 2 daughters, and I can only imagine what those girls are feeling right now, to lose one of their parents, it must hurt to much. My best friend told me that her smallest daughter told her that she is still waiting for him to walk in and give him a kiss. When I heard that I started crying, because I wish we could realize more often how important all the people in our lives, learn to appreciate them more and enjoy every moment we spend with them. More important than love and appreciation to them is health, our health, our family's health. It's so wrong that we only appreciate health when we are sick and we take everything for granted. 

Uncertainty

I don't know how I feel right now, so I will begin writing and see what happens in the end. When I was in high school I thought to myself that I will never regret things or the way I am. But I was so wrong. I thought I will be the same person, doing the same things everyday and never complaining, because the most important part of my life is that I have a family. You know that things change, don't you? And they did. Last year was the worst year of my life, filled with anger and sadness, last year changed everything. 2011 was for me the year that changed my life, or better said it opened my eyes to another part of life. Appreciating health and family, knowing that life does have an end, seeing how a person can become weaker and finally die. Everything, absolutely everything makes me think once again if the life I have right now is making me happy. Probably not, but at least I am healthy.
I always thought that I was meant to be an important person and maybe change other people's lives. I am still young and I know that without hard work I won't be able to do more in life.
I dream. I dream of traveling and seeing places that I only heard of, but a traveler's life is unstable, and I need stability. I need to know that every step I make is to build something, to build something that is visible. I don't know where tomorrow will find me or if tomorrow will find me here. The future is like a blank page, thin, but sharp and dangerous,  empty, but ready to be filled with memories. And when that blank page won't be blank anymore, I want to know that I will look back and smile.

Randomness

I hope you will wake up today, and see that in the world is more than a sky, there are many people who are eager to say "hi" to you, but you don't notice them. Maybe I am in the same situation as you, just walking on the street, ignoring everyone around me and walking faster and faster, using as an excuse the fact that I don't want to waste my time, but everyday goes exactly like that, so I guess that means I am wasting my time. And the funny thing is I know every day is unique and special and that it never comes back, but I just can't start working on leaving a print behind. I am just me and my thoughts that keep repeating, and sometimes a friend comes and listens, until he starts talking and we change the topic. There are so many things in this world and I didn't  even see 1 % of what's around me. Maybe I am afraid of living and there are so many "what if" questions that come up, so many fears, but the time is passing with every second and with a blink of an eye I will realize that a year has passed and then another year until there will be no time to repair mistakes or make dreams come true. And I will become that old mysterious woman, that no one knows nothing about, because she was too shy to talk to people. I am just thinking over and over again about where I will be in 5 years from now, but only I can decide the course of my life.

I want everything, but I am too afraid to get it

          Lately I thought how I would love to leave everything behind and just leave.But how? How could I just leave everything that I have here and go somewhere else to try to do something with my life? I can't. I know there are many people who never went to college and they have a successful career, but no one guarantees that I will be one of them. And it would be so hard for me to go somewhere else and try to work, because all my life I have been with my family, I have seen them every single day, and I would miss them so much if I leave.

           Someone told me to stop wishing and fight to have it. But, I am a dreamer without dreams. I am afraid of failure so it's easier for me to "wish". Things don't happen by themselves, and if they do, there is a good reason behind them. But everything happens for a reason, don't it? So I am trusting  God and I believe that my fears have a reason, and in the end I will be happy.

Remembering

              I've opened my heart for so many times in the last year. But it was never in front of a person . It was always in front of my laptop. Even if it was an empty white box where I could write or just a Word document, I wrote and wrote and I tried to get all of the pain out of my head and heart. I still remember those helpless days and how confused I was,  so angry on how things were.  And I noticed that writing helped me to deal with all those emotions I felt in the past.

Happy birthday to me !

         Today I turned 21. I honestly can't believe it. I already knew the time goes fast, but only when a birthday comes I can truly feel that I am getting older. I can't help myself thinking of how my last birthday was. And a lot has changed since then. Everything changed since 2011. I grew as a person and I learned so many things about myself.  Even if  a year has passed, I live without an important person present in my life, I can always remember the wonderful memories I made with that person. So today was my birthday and still is until midnight, when another person will celebrate his/her birth.
         I enjoy giving back more than receiving something, so on my birthday I feel somewhat uncomfortable. I don't really enjoy being the center of attention, not even if it is only a day a year. I wonder what next year's birthday will bring and how much different from who I am today, I will be then. 

Hi stranger.

I know you are just another stranger reading these lines. You had a boring day and you started to browse the Internet, wasting your time and by "coincidence" you found this short post. You are not going to find nothing interesting here, only my random thoughts about how I see my life and the world. After you finish reading this you will continue to search an occupation and continue to waste your time, but only listen to one thing and remember that life is so short and fragile, and you are wasting it. Maybe you are a popular person or a loner, you had a tough life or a spoiled life. I don't know. What I do know is that by "a strange coincidence" you ended up here and you are reading what I wrote. You might get inspired by some of my posts or you might find them random, but I hope you will find a part of who I am in them.

Books

             I love to read. It's like I am in a completely different world, where I can feel what the characters are feeling and I am caught in the story. It's an amazing feeling to breath at the same pace as a character. To be able to feel every emotion and every beat of the story. When I am reading a good book I can't let leave it to take a break. I want to find out what the next page says and I can't even feel how the time passes. I feel like the book drags me inside and sometimes I can be the one who predicts what will happen next. 

Empty spaces

                Have you ever felt as if you need to be alone with your thoughts? I felt this so many times. But I feel like I have small pieces of thoughts that I can't connect to each other. I always worry for everyone else, but me. I am a listener, but almost no one listens to me. Maybe that's why I started to write this blog, because I could write anything and everything I wanted without someone telling me to stop. It feels good to know that even if I don't have someone who would listen to me, I do have something where I can write my thoughts and my fears. I know all these lines may seem as if they have no sense, but it makes sense to me, and it would make sense to you if you would know who I am.

Still holding strong

            How can time pass so fast? Did I do something today worth to mention? I don't think I did. But I want to think that everyday I influence people in a good way. Even if there is something I say that makes someone feel better.  These kind of small things can influence someone's life in the future. Because a simple gesture, a smile or a look, can change so many things. I always think at the past and I am glad that in the last year I realized so many things, even if this had a cost. But I do feel now that because of the pain I felt I was able to open my eyes and see the world in a better light. I miss you grandma...      

Do you know what I am saying?

               Help people who need your support. Who knows? Maybe you will learn something new. And when you will finish you will feel tired, but you'll know you have contributed to something. Even if the piece you are recognized for is smaller than the one you worked for. That doesn't really matter. What really matters is the fact that you got involved in something and that maybe you met new people and saw new places. This life is so short, if  we would only realize where we are heading. We are surrounded by people and we have to live with them. So why not try to make these days happier for someone else. We don't have to take big steps everyday to make us better people, what we really need is those baby steps that each day will take us somewhere new.

Hi again

             A while ago I realized that everything happens for a reason. People come into your life for you to learn something from them. Because you need them or because they need you. Destiny might be involved, but no matter what their reason for being there is, you need to learn to appreciate their friendship. I sometimes feel I need to be alone and think about some of my unanswered questions, but I know I will always have someone to talk to. Even if it's a person or a blank Word document. I know I will have where to write or talk about my thoughts, even if most of the time I talk about random things, and not important things. 

Confused

            It's dark again. Another day is gone. It was a sunny day, but it's not always sunny. Not here. I don't know why I feel confused. As if I am in a dead spot. I don't know where my life is heading or what tomorrow will bring. I'm still not over it. I still remember things that other people forgot. Those memories will always be there and maybe I shouldn't live in the past and I shouldn't be always scared of what might happen, but no one really knows how my life was. People judge the way we look, because that's what people do. I feel so vulnerable sometimes, only I know how I really feel. I wish I could leave everything behind and someone did tell me I should stop wishing for things and start working for getting them. But it's not that easy when I have so many insecurities.

Random poem #17

I find it hard to smile

When the world looks grey

If you were here to see,

What my eyes look like,

When the night falls on me.

The power of an untold secret,

A smile in a frozen picture,

The sun who shines on me,

And the strenght that makes us we.

Random poem #16

Do you see what I see,

When I close my eyes?

Taking a step back now,

And enjoying the moment.

Felling the eternity for you,

Smiling for the stranger

That is looking back at you.

Forever waiting for a sign,

Never receiving the real prize.

Forgive mistakes that are yours,

And believe in a better tomorrow.

With hope that dreams do come true.

For the stranger who is looking

Back at you.

Ramble in my head

          What if my life will end today? Right in this moment? Will I have any regrets? I thought about this last morning. I know it sounds weird. But  I also know that death is unavoidable. I know that. I know how much it hurts to see someone die. Maybe my old wounds are opened, or maybe my wounds were not closed yet. I feel so often that I need to be alone and think about my life, but I know I overthink things and it hurts to think over and over again of past days. If you are reading this, probably you don't understand who I am or the life I have. I am sure you will never ge to know me, I am just a name in thousands of names you are going to know in this life, it's okay. It's okay..

The power of a simple look

         You know the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? But how much does a moving image is worthed? Even if is taken by a camera that is miles away from here, I can still see that serious look and how much it means to me, only I know. Because when you stare it makes me want to stare. How can you be there, but to look at me with those eyes and make me want to be there with you? You don't have to say anything, you only need to look at me and I will understand. I will understand everything. because we are not twins, but we are connected by something. Maybe it was meant to be..

Random poem #15

I love to see live

I love to see you red

I love to see you cry

And I love to see your

Smile.

More than one word

"So close no matter how far you know I always love you."

Calmness in my heart

                 It’s so quiet around me tonight. I can’t hear any noise. I like that. It feels good to be surrounded by peace and quiet. I can finally breath and write. It’s a challenge to try to write everyday on this blog. First of all you always need to have something to talk about and second of all, you need words. But sometimes all he have is words. I feel like I have something to say and I want to use my voice and my words to do that. There were too many times when I kept quiet what I wanted to say and I believe it’s time to let go and write what I want. 

I know you are reading this

          How can I hurt someone, even if that person is far away from here? I don't want to do that, but distance is hurting us both. We will never understand each other completely, because we don't talk the same language. I am sure you don't even understand me sometimes. We didn't grow up in the same culture and somehow our lives brought us together. We talk everyday, because the only thing we have right now is words. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid of life. That's why I always wish for things, because I don't have the courage to go and take them. I'm scared that someone will hurt me, that's why I am alone. I respect you when you say you want to be alone, because I like to be alone and think about things too. I'm sorry...

A step closer to death

               Why do some people feel like if a person has only a few days of life, they should do everything they want to do, eat everything they wanted, but never had the opportunity to eat? Well, let me tell you something, you don’t need those things, because in the end you don’t need to have a full stomach when you die, you need to be in peace with yourself and the people you let behind. At least, this is how I see life and death. 

Difficult times # 8

"With every single step I feel more and more desperate, I wish all could end here. It’s been a long journey and we are all tired and nothing can change things into better. I never thought that this is the end and that this is the way it ends, but God have mercy on all of us. I know there is a saying that says that God doesn’t give someone a bigger cross that someone can carry, but God this is so heavy and so hard to keep on our backs." 

Difficult times # 7

"I want to go do a deserted island and scream as loud as I can until I lose my voice, because what’s the point in having a voice if I don’t have the courage to use it."

"I believe that when I will finally have the courage to scream it will be to late, and then my voice won’t help me."

"I guess love isn’t for me, I am just witness at other people happiness, maybe my destiny is to get old alone, without another half."

" I wish my life would have been different, I wish I could live in another country and have the courage to live my life, but I don’t ."

 

An open book

             I feel like I am walking with my chest open. I don't know why I feel that my heart is exposed, I'm so vulnerable. Maybe that's why I walk so fast on the street, I don't like when people approach me, because they might find out  who I am. I like to build walls around me, because it makes me feel safe. I am never in danger by doing that.  I sometimes feel that my walls are building without any help. They know when it's time. I always liked to be the tough girl, that always won, I am a fighter in my own way. I am a fighter that tries to find its own path in life.

Difficult times # 6

"I feel so much anger towards my life, I wish I had another one, I wish right now I was happy in another place, not here. I feel so many things, I think about so many things, I wish I had a genie that could take all this away and never feel so sad ever again, because if God sent us here to be happy, why does he put in our way so many obstacles ?"

"I want to hear my heart beats again, I want to feel that I am breathing and that I am alive, I do not know when I will feel it again, I feel so numb and tired, life hits me so hard, and these hits will leave scars."

" Days go by and the pain still doesn’t go away, how can I heal myself from this, how can I live and be happy again? I need someone to tell me life is not over yet, there are still a lot of things to see and many things to feel, I am still here I need to breath fresh air from another place."

 

Forget me

        You will read these lines and you'll forget about them. I won't change your life, because you don't trust strangers. It's okay, I don't trust strangers neither.It's funny how separate words don't mean anything, but if you arrange them in a certain order it transforms in something beautiful. What will my wisdom words be for today? Life is beautiful? I already said that a few times. I'm sure that when life is hitting you, you don't think that life is beautiful, but there are many sides of the situation...

Do you believe in Destiny?

                How many times have you asked yourself if everything happens for a reason? I stopped asking myself, because I feel that it does. I wondered so many times how can two people that were raised in different cultures and had different lives can meet? What in the Universe makes two people meet in the same exact moment? Destiny. I learned in the past months that every person you meet during your life will change the course of your life. 

Random poem # 14

The power of a broken smile,

The silence of it flying by.

A falling star in front of me,

I wish I could feel and see.

The past and present meet again,

A second saved in time for them..

Random thoughts

                Will I regret something when everything will end? I hope I won't. I don't want to think that I did things that I never wanted to do, or that I made the wrong decisions in life. Who knows how long my life will be? I hope that my heart will choose what's best for me and that everyday will bring a smile to my face. I know that life has good parts and bad parts, I know some of the bad parts of life. I hope that life will slowly teach me what her good parts are.

My random day

                I am so tired right now. It was a very long day and I can't believe it's almost over. I wish it was easier, because I spent it with my family, but it wasn't. I am glad that I visited my grandparents today, there are the only grandparents I have now. The countryside is beautiful, but today was very cold.At one point I felt that my eyes were slowly closing, and I couldn't do anything about it. I can't wait do go to bed....

Random poem # 13

How can a picture be worth a thousand words,

When my picture is talking another language?

You can only see black and white because,

I have only written my life in colours and dots

A image shows you the way I look outside

But you know how my heart really is, don't you?

The day before tomorrow

                 
              I wonder what tomorow hides. A bright sun or a rainy day. Beneath all of our memories there is a day that helped us make that memory. Today we think on how yesterday was. In a split of a second yesterday becomes our present and today will soon become our future. In the memory of our memories we should appreciate life and all of her wonders.

Random poem # 12

My eyes are slowly closing,

I feel my head so light,

The silence makes me dizzy,

I hope I am still alive.

My shadow is not moving,

My pillow feels so soft,

The night is still refusing,

To leave it to the light.

I "broken heart" you

          It's nice when you finally feel that life is smiling at you. Only three words and it makes you feel like better things will come. I hope it's not an illusion, a wave that comes and goes. A heart that beats next to yours, but it's also far away from you makes you realize how beautiful life is. I decided to take every day as it comes, I don't know what will happen tomorrow, so I try to enjoy today. I'm young and my heart is also young. Life is beautiful and I hope that I won't have any regrets before I leave it. People will come and go in my life, because it's just the way things are. I guess time will tell what I am feeling and what I am thinking of. Today, tomorrow and all the other days will show me the way.

Death

Death comes quick and leaves even quicker, we are not meant to live forever. The lost of a loved one hurts, it makes you feel hopeless, there is nothing you can do to stop death from taking a family member or a friend, it just happens. For me death brought calm and it made me feel sad, but not too desperate. When you have time to get used to the idea it’s easier to deal with it. The lost of a loved one is felt even after a long time. I know I feel that something is missing in my life. Death leaves a hole in the heart, maybe time will fill it...

Difficult times # 5

           " Lately I felt more and  more that I want to give up or change things in my life. I would like to talk to someone, but I feel like I don’t want to add a new problem to someone else’s life."

" I wish I had someone to talk to, instead of writing, someone that can understand me and give me advice, I could turn to my family, but I guess they have enough problems right  now ."

" I want to cry, and I hardly stop myself from exploding, life is tough and it hits you from everywhere, it stops hitting you when you will know how to defend yourself and fight back."

"I will take my life day by day, and pray that one day I will be happy. I know that day will come, because that’s why we are born, to be happy. "

P.S.: You are not the only one that has bad days, but tomorrow the sun will shine.

From future to the past

              I started writing these pages after I discovered a site that sends past letters into the future. I thought about this genius idea and I thought that I can write my own letters to myself without the need to be sent by someone else. One day I will come back to these lines and I will remember things that I had forgotten., memories and words I said a long time ago.See you then...

Random poem # 11

How can we be the same,

But also very far?

Friendship, but nothing,

Alone, but together.

I guess the time will tell,

How walls will fall or built,

How storms will come or go.

When days feel like months,

And hours feel like seconds,

Who knows what tomorrow brings?

Or how the weather will be,

After you'll start singing to me.

Alone with my problems

There are days when I feel very confused about life and people, but other days make me feel like my future is going to be bright. I always looked for a sign in everything I did. I hoped for more and I've always been disappointed. Sometimes I feel like I can't trust my own family, I hope for peace and "happy thoughts". Problems always come when you least expect and I always had to take care of them all by myself.Things are more complicated than you might think, or at least that's how I see them. I care too much about people and they don't care about me, or maybe they do, but they don't know how to show it.

Wounds that never heal

Almost 3 months have passed since I lost my grandma. Even thinking of her hurts. I can't help but wonder if she is okay. I have tears in my eyes as I write these lines. It hurts to see the bed empty, even if she was sick, she was there. Maybe it's selfish from me to say that, but she is not there anymore and I wish she was. I read somewhere that grief has 7 stages. I really don't know what stage I am in, but it hurts.

Random poem # 10

A heart that beats,

A smile that breaks,

A reason to forgive,

A memory to hold on,

A pear of eyes to see,

And a person to love.

8 years

8 years have passed since my grandpa died. I can’t believe how fast time goes. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. I don’t know if you believe in premonitions, but one day before he died I felt that something is wrong. I’m sorry because I didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to him. He is my hero, he was a teacher and I was pretty young when he passed away. I didn’t understand Death and I am not sure if I understand it now. When I woke up this morning, I started to cry and I didn't know why.I remembered later what day it was. It's funny how the heart remembers before the brain does. 

Random poem # 8

I have reached a point,

Where I need to breath.

I need a break to rest,

I need a should to cry on.

I have reached the time,

When I have to pray .

A minute of peace,

A second to smile,

An hour to say goodbye.

Do I have something to say?

I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know that God never gives something that a person can’t handle, but I often ask myself “why did He think I deserve this?”, but we all ask that, don’t we? There are so many things happening around us everyday. Some of us see what is happening and react and some are ignorant.While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside of us. When you are asleep, another part of the world is awake. When you wake up, someone goes to sleep. We never seem to coordinate, but someone is always awake somewhere..

Future

I know I will not always be with my family. One day I will need to move on and make my own life. But I don’t know what kind of steps should I make. It’s sad to think that I grew up, I am not a child anymore and I will never go back to those days. Back then I didn’t have any worries, I was happy to play and waste time. Now it’s harder to live each day, new problems and new chances come. No one knows what tomorrow will bring and maybe it’s better this way.

Live

Another day has passed. Time goes too fast, I wish I could take a jar and conserve a few hours in it. I can't believe that almost 21 years have passed since I was born. So many things happened in those 20 years, so many dreams and memories. Tomorrow will pass with a blink of an eye, and I can't do anything to stop that from happening. Regrets? I don't have many and I don't plan on having any in the near future. I care too much for other people and I believe it's time to care about myself more. I don't want to sound selfish, but time is passing and I don't know when my life is going to end. Just live...

Random poem # 7

I wish you were here,

To hold me and my fears, 

I wish you were near,

To whisper in my ear.

I wish I wasn't here,

I wish I was away,

To try to save your day.

Difficult times # 4

"I don’t want to write dates or days, because I don’t want to remember when this happened. A few days ago I felt like things were finally becoming normal and I discovered and realized that I only have one life to live and that I should live it exactly the way I want to. Today I feel down again, because I wish everything would end, for all of us, so much pain every day, I wish that nobody will ever see someone slowly die, especially if that person is part of your family. I wish that that pain could end for that person ."

Writing

Writing is sometimes difficult for me. I just don’t seem to find the words to say what I really mean, it’s difficult to express myself. Even if I maybe write about random things that go through my head I found out that by doing this I give freedom to my mind. I am trying to be the best at what I do, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t work as scheduled, but no matter what I do, I learn something. 

Random poem # 6

I left a tear on my pillow,

And when I woke up it was gone.

Today I am not crying anymore,

But sometimes I wonder where that tear went.

I feel tired

I think Spring Asthenia is kicking in, because lately I felt very tired . Like I said before, I love Spring and the season makes me smile, but I am so tired. I don't go to bed late and I wake up at a decent hour, but I feel exhausted. I was thinking I need to buy some vitamins, maybe they will help me feel more energetic. I can't wait for the weather to be warmer...

Random poem # 5

I believe in me,

 I believe in you,

I believe in angels,

And I know you do too.

Every face hides something

Every smile hides a tear, but they don’t know that. I enjoy life, because I have to. They don’t know how sad I feel or how desperate I feel sometimes. And they will never know. You always see what’s on the surface, but you are not curious to find out what hides inside. My heart will beat, until it will stop. It’s okay. I will be fine, with you or without you. Not even my famliy knows how I feel inside. I like to write and I like to think that someday, someone will read these lines. 

Random poem # 4

I have no problems on holding by breath,

Because I’m used with getting hurt.

Oxygen is not useful for me anymore.

I saw what you can do with me.

For me life is like a blank page,

It doesn’t matter if you destroy it,

Because it was only a white sheet of paper.

It wasn’t important for anyone.

And it won’t become after it’s gone.

Random poem # 3

Today is new for me,

Tomorrow, I don’t know.

If time is here no more,

You think that I should know?

Powerful voices overwhelm me,

A noise makes me curious,

You are the voice that makes noise,

In the ocean of emptiness.

Depressed people

I recently talked to someone who is depressed. I wasn't sure how to start the conversation with this person. I didn't want to touch a sensitive spot  and I was trying to be very careful. I felt sad when he told me that he has other health issues. I don't know if it was selfish for me to think that I am blessed to be where I am. It's hard for me to think that are so many people in his situation and many of them don't even have someone to talk too. I wish I could take all their worries away and tell them that everything will be alright, but I don't know if they will believe me.

Random poem # 2

I knew when you arrived

I felt when  you left

I remember how you talked

And I struggle to forget.

Sense of humor never dies

I always thought that people that had sense of humor were intelligent people. Also, you need to be smart to laugh when someone is making a good joke. I always joke, because I feel that a good joke makes the atmosphere more relaxed. I don't really know how often people understand my jokes, but I see them smiling.One day I tried to make my mom laugh.  My mom dyed her hair a while back. She asked me how do I think the color looks on her. I told her that the color makes her look younger with a week. Do you think she felt offended?

Random poem # 1

I hear your voice everytime is quiet,

I hear your breath everytime I listen,

I feel your sorrow everytime I feel it,

I feel your power everytime you use it.

"Martisor"

Every year on the 1st of March there is a tradition in my country. The tradition is that men give women a small gift called "martisor". Almost all these little gifts have 2 pieces of string braided together, a red one and a white one. I don't know how this custom started, but it's nice to feel appreciated by receiving this gift. It's just a way for men to show they respect and appreciation for women.


                                                                        The sun will shine brighter tomorrow.