New start

The end of the year is the time to think of a New Year Resolution, even if, most of us abandon them long before the year ends. But, to act like a normal person, I decided to think of a few goals I want to achieve in this new year, 2014. Firstly, I would want to say yes to more things, I guess I am too scared to try new things because I am too comfortable where I am. But this new year I want to push myself to be more, not necessary outgoing, but live more and enjoy more things that life has to offer me. I guess not saying yes delets a lot of opportunities and maybe memories I could have. Another goal would be to try to save more money, I noticed I spend my money on small things that don't really mater. The next goal I set myself would be to stop looking for love and wait for it to come to me. They say that when you stop looking that person will find you and I hope it will be like that, because I feel lonely in my world right now. The 4th goal would be to try to make the world a better place, there are a lot of mean things around us, but I think we can all make a small difference in this world, no matter of how big or small we are. The last goal I've set is to say more often what I think, because I rarely say what's on my mind, I prefer to keep everything for myself, and I think it's important to say your opinion or your problems, sharing these kind of things helps with the healing of the soul .I hope that by the end of 2014 I will get better at these skills. 

Happy New Year!

Happy 2nd year anniversary

       Exactly 2 years ago I started this blog. A journey I would like to say, but I never knew what new adventures would wait for me next day, next month, or even the next moment. There were desperate times, tought times for me, it was a period to grow up and face life and never know what the next minute will bring. I loved more that time, I listened more and tried to be there, just be there. 2 years ago, I remember this perfectly I heard that someone died, it was a big shock, probably one of the biggest one of my life, it felt like someone hit me hard and made me wake up from a dream. And I said to myself, life's short, why delay things? It seems like we all procrastinate the  things we want to do, we tell ourselves, "well, I will do this tomorrow, because I won't be this tired and this project will be much better if I rest first", don't we? But when tomorrow comes, we repeat this phrase again and again, and we never do what we planned. Well, December 28th 2011 I decided to stop doing that, things won't be better if I wait, things just won't happen if I wait one more day, because I don't know if I will be alive to make those things tomorrow. I just don't know.. So with just a few clicks I started this, and at the time, I was inspired by a blog, someone who wrote something every single day, I did that for a while, but then I thought to myself, I don't have something interesting to say today, so I began to write rarely. It helped me heal, I lost my grandma less than a week after I started this, I kind of seen  it coming, she was sick, very sick, losing weight and I saw how everyday she lost a piece of herself, there were days that she didn't even know who I was. Two years later, she is dead and I am here, not completely healed, but bandaged, too afraid to take my bandages off and see the marks that time left on me.
       I don't regret starting this blog, it's like a diary where I come and see fragments from my past, parts of me, parts from a smaller me. I am proud of myself and I know my grandma would have felt the same. I think about her everyday and I wish she was here with me still. But everything happens for a reason, I still believe this, 2 years later, everything has a reason behind it. We won't always have the people we love in our lives, they have to move on and life has to take its course, we have to grow up and grow old and maybe leave something behind for the next generation. We all struggle to find our place in this world, find a chair to sit on and feel like we belong there, a comfortable place where we feel like home. That's what life is about. It's not about princes or princesses that come to save us , because no one will come on a white hourse, we have to go and get what we want, fight for it, make it ours. Put our fingerprint on it, raise our voices and just say it out loud.
Life is about overcoming obstacles and meeting people along the way.
Life is about keeping people we like around us.
Life is about loving and sharing the love.
Life is about opening our hearts.
Life is about being kind and honest.
 Life is about living each day as if it was our last one. 

Reflecting..

As I write these lines, I can't stop thinking about my life and about what I've been through in the last 2 years. So many bad and good things happen. It seems like at the end of a year we all try to think of the year that just passed. I graduated college this year. I am 22, still living with my parents, working and trying to find my own place in this world. Life is tough, not only mine, but life in general. We seem to always complain about the small things when in reality there are bigger problems in this world. So, back to me, I wanted to kill myself a week ago, I never felt so desperate in my entire life and it all began with the smallest reason ever, a mistake I made and in my mind that mistake couldn't have been repaired. So stupid of me to think that. I wanted to write this because I never thought I would be in that situation of thinking of committing suicide. But I did. Still trying to understand why, maybe I was just tired, tired of everything and I thought that was a solution. Imagine if I would have done that, today I wouldn't have been able to write these lines. The truth is that in my religion they say that if a person kills herself she doesn't deserve to be buried in a cemetery and she will go to hell, but honestly I think God gave us the choice to pick how we live our lives, and if we want it to end, it's our choice, our decision, why should we be punished for it? We choose what we want to do, when we want to do it and how we want to do it. And sometimes wanting to kill yourself isn't a cry for help, it's the end of a life, it's just a choice, of finishing something..

Too lost to find my words..

It would be so easy
To close my eyes
And forget everything
I wish I could see
Only the light
Tomorrow 
I wish I could
Just close my eyes
And die. 
The pain made me numb
I lost all my courage
But maybe I never had it
I was like the lion 
From an old forgotten story
About a girl 
She tried to find her way
Back home
And she did 
Finally. 

How does it feel to die?

I am tired of everything, depression kills me and I feel like no one understands me. It's easy to point the finger at someone and accuse them of things, and all you see is the negative things they've done and not the positive. It's easy to just take someone for granted, but how would it feel if that person wasn't there anymore? How would it feel if that person died? Would you feel guilty for the things you said or guilty for not seeing inside of them and how they felt?When you're young you learn and make mistake, it's harder to make mistakes on your own and you learn from them, but right now I wish I could repair those mistakes, but I can't so the only things that remains is to learn from them. Maybe I had a bad day because it's Friday the 13th and maybe I think negative right now, or maybe not. One day I wish I will have the courage to leave, I always said I don't belong in this family and they look better without me in it, maybe that's how things are supposed to be. And by leaving I don't mean killing myself because I don't think I will ever have the courage to do that, I mean just leave and do what I really love, paint, draw, listen to music, earn my money by doing something that I really love and not something that I hate. I wish I had the courage in the right moment in the past to say no, maybe I would have ended somewhere else. I want to do so many things, live, have the courage to do exactly what goes through my head but I don't, I always thing about others and what they think. I wish  someone was here to listen to me,  really listen, not to judge, not to give me advice, just be here and listen and try to understand who I really am. Right now I am in a dark place, and my heart is broken, but they say that when your heart is broken the sun can shine through. I wonder if that's true or not..