Another tear on my keyboard #2

What do you do when you feel that people don't appreciate you and the friendship you have? When you feel that you are just the spare wheel? It's funny how people say they are going to change, but they don't and they still remain selfish and doing everything for themselves and thinking it's ok to ignore others, because they won't get upset, just because they are good people and they forgive. Well, those type of "kind people" get tired sometimes, and I got tired not just once, but many times. I talked about walls a long time ago, and they are building, they started building when I stopped talking about a certain topic and they are slowly growing in height. The only thing I can do is to protect myself from being hurt, or getting hurt as little as possible. And today is the first day of the rest of my life, this year is going too fast already. We are already in February and I feel like yesterday it was New Year's Eve, so there is no time to waste. Small changes come from inside, and I said at the start of the year that I want to focus more on myself, so I will try to delete all that is negative or ignore it, just ignore everything that makes me hurt..And remember that what goes around comes around. 

Little things that matter

I was watching a video on YouTube today and there was a couple that was talking about how they met, and they said of how important is to appreciate and realize how much you accomplished in a period of time. Being happy for the people you have in your life and the things that you've done in a period of 5 years, for example. Because we sometimes don't look at things like that, we don't feel proud about the things we learned in a year or the people we met, and those are the things that matter the most. We learn a new thing everyday, but we still say our day was boring and normal. It's good to look back and compare how far you've came, life is too short to ignore those kind of small things, because those are the things that make your life. 

Life is hard to understand

Sometimes you question about what God really wants. We live day by day without realizing that our life will come to an end someday, maybe today, tomorrow, or in a year, or maybe we will live for 100 years or more. No one knows the future. But the reason why we question God is that we hear about people dying at 35 of cancer or 6 months old babies that die before they even had the chance to live. Those are signals that should show us and wake us from our dreams that the end might be near, and maybe it is. Who knows? Live each day as if it was your last one, enjoy the happy moments in your life and appreciate every person you have in your life. Our moments are counted and in a blink of an eye everything can end, will you be happy with what you done so far?

Another lonely day

It's snowing outside. Everything is white and the snow looks so good when it doesn't have steps in it, just a sea of white, untouched by no one. It makes me think about all the little things in life that make my life brighter and easier, those kind of things that we don't notice because we are used to them being there. Like if you want to read you have an entire bookcase to read or if you are thirsty you have enough water to drink. While others don't. We often take things for granted, maybe we should thank God more for having those things. We are so blessed, but in the same time we feel so miserable and we want more and more.Just sit and reflect about this, how often do you pray and thank God for everything that he gave you? Your health, your family or friends that you have, people that you can count on. Not everyone is that lucky..

Words stuck in my head

Sometimes, all you need is someone to remind you about certain things. Yesterday, for example,  I was talking to by best friend and it was the first time we talked this year and I told him that I have a feeling that something will happen on my birthday and he said that in order for things to happen, I should make them happen by doing something. It was just one of those moments when you feel like something hit you and you realize things, he was right, we are responsible for what happens in our lives, so if we want things, we should make them true, but often our fear stops us from making our dreams come true.  The other thing that he told me and I kept thinking about even after we stopped talking was that I should learn to love myself, he was so right, so I hope to accomplish that this year, learn to accept myself more, body and soul, because nobody's perfect. 

2nd of January

This day will always be a sad day for me. Last year, on this day my grandma died. I will never forget that day. 2011 was one of the hardest years I have ever lived, and the beginning of 2012 was sad, I will remember that day forever. It's hard when you have time to realize that you will lose one of the persons you love most, because when it does happen it hits you hard and the pain is intense that you feel that your world might end. And now, a year after, I sit here and remember and what I learned from this last year is that I should remember her as the person that was all of her life and not how she spent the last months of her life in pain. And I should be happy that now she is there and doesn't feel pain anymore and I know she is watching me from above and she will always be with me. I miss you grandma..

Happy New Year !

Happy New Year world. I will start by saying that I don't like to make new year resolutions, because in the end I will abandon them, but I do have some wishes for this year. They are wishes that will make me focus more on my life and on myself, and that will make me a better person I hope. So the first wish for this year would be for me to be better and to work more and give more of myself for the projects or things I do. I want to give more to other people and offer my help without expecting to receive something in return. I want to focus on me by using my time for me too, and stop using my time for people that don't deserve it and don't appreciate it, I want to use my time wisely from now on. So this year I will take things slowly and put one foot before the other, I won't rush to do things, I will focus to be myself more in the real life and I hope that by the end of the year positive changes will occur. I will end by saying that I found myself going back to the post I published last year, exactly this day, and after that day things weren't the same. So remember what I said back then "I would like to look at my past with a smile and believe my life was worth living". 

                                                                                          Don't lose hope. 

25th of December

It's Christmas Day. Merry Christmas. Well, this day should have been a happy one surrounded by family and friends and joy and smiles. My day was far from being like that. I cried today. A lot. My dad was the reason I was sad, he acts like he's the boss of everything and everyone even when the rest of the people tell him he is wrong, he still says he is right. Always. In these kind of moments, I am full of anger and desperate to get away from all. But unfortunatelly I am still a student living with my parents and following their rules, because they told me one day "as long as you live in this house, you will follow our rules". I can't wait to be on my own, and this time I will get closer to this, one step at a time, because it's my life and I should live it using my own rules. No more games. Times go by and I do nothing. But things will change. Slowly they will change.

                                                                                                          Merry Christmas.

Another tear on my keyboard.

Sometimes people take advantage of you if you are too good, especially when you invest more time in something than they do. And that's when you must build walls, because giving yourself and putting your time into something that isn't productive isn't good for you and doesn't help into growing as a person. Why be there for someone that only thinks about himself, and never sees things the way you see them, not even trying. Wasting time for nothing. Maybe I am depressed and tomorrow I will see things in a different light, but today I will stop trying. 
I hope one day someone will make you cry as much as you made me cry.

One moment in time

I started writing this blog last year, after Christmas. I just felt like I didn't have to procrastinate things anymore, because life's too short for that and I feel like I have a lot of things to say. So why not start doing what my heart tells me to right now? I use this blog to get things out of my head, because sometimes all my thoughts meet in one place, and my head might explode one day because of that.Well, I know I am exaggerating, but don't you think that sometimes?  So I thought about writing things down and maybe sharing them with the rest of the world. But I know that most of the views on this blog are my own. And even if I don't write that much in a blog post, and even if you are just a stranger reading these lines, at least in one moment in our lives, our paths have crossed, just one moment, because the next moment you will press the X button and go on with your life, but for one moment, that maybe could change everything, you and I shared something. Who knows what tomorrow brings, or what my thoughts will be about? I certainly don't. And I know that after I finish writing this, I will be the one who will press the X button too. So, until the next time we meet stranger, remember that in this life there are a lot of X buttons, so think about how many times you will press them, it's your choice, will you stay or will you go?

If only..

I was randomly looking at videos on YouTube and I came across a movie I saw years ago. It was called "If only", I instantly remembered all of it. It's about a couple, and the woman has an accident and dies and the man has a chance to go back and see her again and he tries to change things, and the accident and he is the one who dies in the accident at the end of the movie. It's so sad, but it shows how short life can be and that we should do what our hearts tells us to, and appreciate every small or big thing we have, every person and capture every moment, because every moment is special, and you never know when life will end. Because this day will never happen again, and we won't always have our parents or grandparents, or all our friends with us, and you never know what the next memory will be about. So cherish every single thing that happens, even if it's a smile or a tear, you can always learn something from everything. We never stop learning, do we?

Running away from home

I keep dreaming about running away from home. I already dreamt about it 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. And it's not like I have where to go. In my dream, I run away from my family and they are trying to find me, but I hide and I keep running. Maybe I need to find my freedom, or maybe I am not happy with my life, or deep inside I want to leave everything behind. I wish these dreams would stop. They make me think more about my life and if I am really happy where I am. But I don't want to lie to myself, and maybe if my education was complete, I would run..

Second day of September

How often do you feel like crashing

Laying on a pillow and never wake up?

How often can you freeze and never move again,

Life still moves on, another day makes you begin again,

And see that every coin has two sides,

In memory of yesterday you learn to smile

For the love of tomorrow you learn to fly.

Grieving someone that I didn't know

I just feel like writing right now. My best friend's uncle's funeral was a few weeks ago, he had cancer, stage 4. She told me he knew he was sick, but didn't tell no one, and on his last check up the doctor told him he only has 10 days to live and exactly 10 days later, he died. He had 2 daughters, and I can only imagine what those girls are feeling right now, to lose one of their parents, it must hurt to much. My best friend told me that her smallest daughter told her that she is still waiting for him to walk in and give him a kiss. When I heard that I started crying, because I wish we could realize more often how important all the people in our lives, learn to appreciate them more and enjoy every moment we spend with them. More important than love and appreciation to them is health, our health, our family's health. It's so wrong that we only appreciate health when we are sick and we take everything for granted. 

Uncertainty

I don't know how I feel right now, so I will begin writing and see what happens in the end. When I was in high school I thought to myself that I will never regret things or the way I am. But I was so wrong. I thought I will be the same person, doing the same things everyday and never complaining, because the most important part of my life is that I have a family. You know that things change, don't you? And they did. Last year was the worst year of my life, filled with anger and sadness, last year changed everything. 2011 was for me the year that changed my life, or better said it opened my eyes to another part of life. Appreciating health and family, knowing that life does have an end, seeing how a person can become weaker and finally die. Everything, absolutely everything makes me think once again if the life I have right now is making me happy. Probably not, but at least I am healthy.
I always thought that I was meant to be an important person and maybe change other people's lives. I am still young and I know that without hard work I won't be able to do more in life.
I dream. I dream of traveling and seeing places that I only heard of, but a traveler's life is unstable, and I need stability. I need to know that every step I make is to build something, to build something that is visible. I don't know where tomorrow will find me or if tomorrow will find me here. The future is like a blank page, thin, but sharp and dangerous,  empty, but ready to be filled with memories. And when that blank page won't be blank anymore, I want to know that I will look back and smile.

Randomness

I hope you will wake up today, and see that in the world is more than a sky, there are many people who are eager to say "hi" to you, but you don't notice them. Maybe I am in the same situation as you, just walking on the street, ignoring everyone around me and walking faster and faster, using as an excuse the fact that I don't want to waste my time, but everyday goes exactly like that, so I guess that means I am wasting my time. And the funny thing is I know every day is unique and special and that it never comes back, but I just can't start working on leaving a print behind. I am just me and my thoughts that keep repeating, and sometimes a friend comes and listens, until he starts talking and we change the topic. There are so many things in this world and I didn't  even see 1 % of what's around me. Maybe I am afraid of living and there are so many "what if" questions that come up, so many fears, but the time is passing with every second and with a blink of an eye I will realize that a year has passed and then another year until there will be no time to repair mistakes or make dreams come true. And I will become that old mysterious woman, that no one knows nothing about, because she was too shy to talk to people. I am just thinking over and over again about where I will be in 5 years from now, but only I can decide the course of my life.

I want everything, but I am too afraid to get it

          Lately I thought how I would love to leave everything behind and just leave.But how? How could I just leave everything that I have here and go somewhere else to try to do something with my life? I can't. I know there are many people who never went to college and they have a successful career, but no one guarantees that I will be one of them. And it would be so hard for me to go somewhere else and try to work, because all my life I have been with my family, I have seen them every single day, and I would miss them so much if I leave.

           Someone told me to stop wishing and fight to have it. But, I am a dreamer without dreams. I am afraid of failure so it's easier for me to "wish". Things don't happen by themselves, and if they do, there is a good reason behind them. But everything happens for a reason, don't it? So I am trusting  God and I believe that my fears have a reason, and in the end I will be happy.

Remembering

              I've opened my heart for so many times in the last year. But it was never in front of a person . It was always in front of my laptop. Even if it was an empty white box where I could write or just a Word document, I wrote and wrote and I tried to get all of the pain out of my head and heart. I still remember those helpless days and how confused I was,  so angry on how things were.  And I noticed that writing helped me to deal with all those emotions I felt in the past.

Happy birthday to me !

         Today I turned 21. I honestly can't believe it. I already knew the time goes fast, but only when a birthday comes I can truly feel that I am getting older. I can't help myself thinking of how my last birthday was. And a lot has changed since then. Everything changed since 2011. I grew as a person and I learned so many things about myself.  Even if  a year has passed, I live without an important person present in my life, I can always remember the wonderful memories I made with that person. So today was my birthday and still is until midnight, when another person will celebrate his/her birth.
         I enjoy giving back more than receiving something, so on my birthday I feel somewhat uncomfortable. I don't really enjoy being the center of attention, not even if it is only a day a year. I wonder what next year's birthday will bring and how much different from who I am today, I will be then. 

Hi stranger.

I know you are just another stranger reading these lines. You had a boring day and you started to browse the Internet, wasting your time and by "coincidence" you found this short post. You are not going to find nothing interesting here, only my random thoughts about how I see my life and the world. After you finish reading this you will continue to search an occupation and continue to waste your time, but only listen to one thing and remember that life is so short and fragile, and you are wasting it. Maybe you are a popular person or a loner, you had a tough life or a spoiled life. I don't know. What I do know is that by "a strange coincidence" you ended up here and you are reading what I wrote. You might get inspired by some of my posts or you might find them random, but I hope you will find a part of who I am in them.