How does it feel to die?

I am tired of everything, depression kills me and I feel like no one understands me. It's easy to point the finger at someone and accuse them of things, and all you see is the negative things they've done and not the positive. It's easy to just take someone for granted, but how would it feel if that person wasn't there anymore? How would it feel if that person died? Would you feel guilty for the things you said or guilty for not seeing inside of them and how they felt?When you're young you learn and make mistake, it's harder to make mistakes on your own and you learn from them, but right now I wish I could repair those mistakes, but I can't so the only things that remains is to learn from them. Maybe I had a bad day because it's Friday the 13th and maybe I think negative right now, or maybe not. One day I wish I will have the courage to leave, I always said I don't belong in this family and they look better without me in it, maybe that's how things are supposed to be. And by leaving I don't mean killing myself because I don't think I will ever have the courage to do that, I mean just leave and do what I really love, paint, draw, listen to music, earn my money by doing something that I really love and not something that I hate. I wish I had the courage in the right moment in the past to say no, maybe I would have ended somewhere else. I want to do so many things, live, have the courage to do exactly what goes through my head but I don't, I always thing about others and what they think. I wish  someone was here to listen to me,  really listen, not to judge, not to give me advice, just be here and listen and try to understand who I really am. Right now I am in a dark place, and my heart is broken, but they say that when your heart is broken the sun can shine through. I wonder if that's true or not..