I miss you so much my dear friend..

My dog died today. I never thought it would hurt this much when your heart breaks, because heartbroken is the exact word for what I feel right now. This immense pain in my heart and a hole  that no one will ever be able to fill again. I still have tears to cry, but I finished the tissues many hours ago. I will never see my friend again, he was my best friend, he never complaint, he was just there for me, no matter what kind of day I had. Even if I argued him he always came back to me, and today while we were all at work, he died, alone, at home. What did he think of when he passed away? Where did his little soul go? Is he going to watch over me now? I'm heartbroken. I kissed his forehead this morning before I went to work, and never thought that was my final goodbye to him. Oh Max, how much I miss you already. No one will be able to replace him. No one. 

A split second

       We are all equals in front of death, it doesn't matter if you are richer or poorer than me. A family member died today and it's one of these situations when it's hard to believe that it really happened, as if destiny took a turn and this wasn't supposed to happen but in a twisted weird way, it did, and it hurts and all you feel is emptiness and the heart feels weak. It's going to be hard to get used to the idea that I am not going to see or hear from this person ever again in this life, I am not going to be able to invite him one day when I will get married and he'll never meet my children or be apart of my life in the future. It stopped, life ended there for him, I am not going to hear his voice or hear him talk about his fun memories and he reminded me  so much of my grandpa. It think for me that's what hurts the most, he was so similar to my grandpa, it feels like I lost him for the second time. 
       I think when people die, we are all selfish, we cry and try to cope with the idea that they are gone, but the hardest thing is to let go, we are the ones who torture ourselves with guilt because we don't want to let go even if those people moved on, it's part of life and one day someone else is going to cry for us. They all say "it's going to get better with time and you will feel better", but the reality is it's always going to be a gap there, and no one else is going to fill that hole in our hearts, it's like an ugly scar that will hunt us forever, and that scar is called pain, that kind of pain that never heals with painkillers. 

23

It seems like every year that passes my birthday loses it's significance. I used to have such a good feeling on my birthday but nowadays I feel like it's just another day and I really can't enjoy it as I should. I need to find a new passion, something that makes me feel alive. Everything is boring in my life right now, I need something new. something that would make me feel like life is worth living.
It's not that I am not grateful for everything I received today, for me it feels like I don't really need those things and the world has become too materialistic, when in reality those kind of things don't matter, all that matters is to be healthy and with your family and I already have those 2 things, so I don't need anything else. People don't need much to live, but there are so many that don't even have that while other's are living in the lap of luxury and don't know what average is. So today was kind of disappointing for me. 

Not a good day..

What people say hurts me more than what they do, it always has been like this for me. I guess I am too sensitive and it just makes me wanna crawl somewhere and just cry. The world is tough, filled with mean people that are jealous and want to hit you while you are down, and, most of the times, they do get me, punch after punch, they make me feel like I don't want to live anymore. Life hasn't shown me too many moments that would make me explode with joy, and some say you just need to go out and live your life, well, I wish things were as easy as they say. Most often anxiety takes over and it makes me feel like people are looking at me, even if they aren't, as if I am a clown at the circus, where everyone stares and gossips. Sometimes is too much, it's like my brain is telling me, you need to act normal and get out of crowd, because everyone looks at you. I hate that feeling and that's why I don't go out at all, I am safer at home in my own environment, no one (or almost no one) can hurt me here. 

Getting better with age

       I realised how important this blog is for me. Nowadays people don't really write in their typical journals anymore, it's so much easier to just write at your laptop. Thoughts just flow and you can always look back at what your person did in the past. We change every second, we transform into new people, better I hope, we grow up and we have to act like adults. But the past shows us how stupid we acted sometimes or what mistakes we made. It's important to write that down sometimes and learn from our mistakes. We are all wisemen in the inside, or at least in theory, but maybe the future us will understand what the present us is saying. It's time to grow up and leave our inner children behind for the moment, because society is asking us to, we forget how to be young, because our problems take over our life, we are too focused to earn our money instead of losing our time playing childish games, but wouldn't it be cool if we were able to do what we love and also earn money from it? I wish I could find something that I am really good at and do it without fear. 

When do all our dreams die?

Oh God, when I was little I had so many dreams, I thought everything was possible until the reality hit me. And that reality was growing up. 
 I guess our dreams die when we decide we won't make the sacrifices that it takes to get to the peak. When we let our fears rule our life, fear of what other people think, fear of the unknown, fear to speak our minds.  But isn't the unknown what makes us grow and learn, isn't that what makes the journey all worthed? We are too afraid of change, but life changes wheather you want that or not, it's part of the world. A tree grows and becomes bigger as times passes, and eventually dies, but did that tree, during his life left any seeds behind? Today dies tonight. Did today left something worth mentioned for you? I hope you did something to make the world a better place, or something that makes your life better, we are all superheroes, at a bigger or smaller scale, but we are all someone's superhero,or at least we fool ourselves to have something that keeps us going. 
So returning to the main topic, we find excuses not to make ourselves happy, we blame others for our mistakes, most of the times, when we really shouldn't care what others think, or if we fall, we shouldn't think about it for a whole day unless the injuries are serious. 

Running is not an option

       You think it would be easy to just leave and let everything behind, don't you? But it's not, the problems will still be there when you will be back you just delay solving them and who knows maybe when you return they will be even more complicated than they already are. We all think like this, or at least most of us, "I just want to run away from everything", I don't say a break is bad, but leaving things unsolved is. I guess in this life we need to face our fears to become stronger, to grow, not for others, but for us. I mean I think we all have someone that wants to tell us how to live our lives, to their expectations, but we have a brain of our own and dreams of our own, ours, not theirs, only fear makes us hold back and not chase them. We have one life to live, only one. I have one. You have one. What you choose to do with it it only concerns you, it's yours to waste and it's yours to grow it. It's maybe one of the few things that you really own, it's your choice if you go left or right, if you step into a mud puddle or if you jump over it, and if you do fall into a mud puddle how you get out of there and who knows, maybe mud is good for you? Don't blame someone else for you being there. 
       I wish I had the courage to dare God to make me happy, because they say that if you don't ask for things you won't ever receive them. Aren't we all supposed to be happy? We just have to find the right path that takes us there. There's a saying that states that if you don't know where to go, no matter what road you choose, it will take you there. 
       Every day that passes is gone, there's no turning back to change what happened, it's part of the past, it made us older and maybe wiser, or maybe not.. it all depends on the choices we made. 
       Never lose your dreams and remember to think with your heart more, they say that when we have to make a decision, the first thought that comes into our mind is the right one, because if you take longer time to think fear kicks in and all your courage vanishes.. 

Confused..

We always seem to go back to those who hurt us. It's kind of funny, it's like we enjoy the pain they make us feel. It's the same with bad memories, we always insist on remembering them, we torture ourselves with them and what for? What's in the past should remain in the past, that's it, there's nothing else we can change, the only thing that we live for is for the present. People are just like that, if they are out of our lives, and they decided this, why should we go back to them? But it hurts anyway, it's not easy to let go of people you once liked, especially when you are confused about your feelings. We should learn how to love ourselves more before loving someone else. I feel like sometimes we are too desperate to find someone, so that we don't feel lonely, but do we really need them, someone said that everything happens at the right moment, so why force it? I've always asked myself so many questions, trying to figure everything out, but at the end of the day I realize I have even more questions than in the beginning. I feel like we all complicate things when they should all be simple. We worry too much for the small things that no one else notice, no one is perfect, so why bother trying to be someone that you are not?

New start

The end of the year is the time to think of a New Year Resolution, even if, most of us abandon them long before the year ends. But, to act like a normal person, I decided to think of a few goals I want to achieve in this new year, 2014. Firstly, I would want to say yes to more things, I guess I am too scared to try new things because I am too comfortable where I am. But this new year I want to push myself to be more, not necessary outgoing, but live more and enjoy more things that life has to offer me. I guess not saying yes delets a lot of opportunities and maybe memories I could have. Another goal would be to try to save more money, I noticed I spend my money on small things that don't really mater. The next goal I set myself would be to stop looking for love and wait for it to come to me. They say that when you stop looking that person will find you and I hope it will be like that, because I feel lonely in my world right now. The 4th goal would be to try to make the world a better place, there are a lot of mean things around us, but I think we can all make a small difference in this world, no matter of how big or small we are. The last goal I've set is to say more often what I think, because I rarely say what's on my mind, I prefer to keep everything for myself, and I think it's important to say your opinion or your problems, sharing these kind of things helps with the healing of the soul .I hope that by the end of 2014 I will get better at these skills. 

Happy New Year!

Happy 2nd year anniversary

       Exactly 2 years ago I started this blog. A journey I would like to say, but I never knew what new adventures would wait for me next day, next month, or even the next moment. There were desperate times, tought times for me, it was a period to grow up and face life and never know what the next minute will bring. I loved more that time, I listened more and tried to be there, just be there. 2 years ago, I remember this perfectly I heard that someone died, it was a big shock, probably one of the biggest one of my life, it felt like someone hit me hard and made me wake up from a dream. And I said to myself, life's short, why delay things? It seems like we all procrastinate the  things we want to do, we tell ourselves, "well, I will do this tomorrow, because I won't be this tired and this project will be much better if I rest first", don't we? But when tomorrow comes, we repeat this phrase again and again, and we never do what we planned. Well, December 28th 2011 I decided to stop doing that, things won't be better if I wait, things just won't happen if I wait one more day, because I don't know if I will be alive to make those things tomorrow. I just don't know.. So with just a few clicks I started this, and at the time, I was inspired by a blog, someone who wrote something every single day, I did that for a while, but then I thought to myself, I don't have something interesting to say today, so I began to write rarely. It helped me heal, I lost my grandma less than a week after I started this, I kind of seen  it coming, she was sick, very sick, losing weight and I saw how everyday she lost a piece of herself, there were days that she didn't even know who I was. Two years later, she is dead and I am here, not completely healed, but bandaged, too afraid to take my bandages off and see the marks that time left on me.
       I don't regret starting this blog, it's like a diary where I come and see fragments from my past, parts of me, parts from a smaller me. I am proud of myself and I know my grandma would have felt the same. I think about her everyday and I wish she was here with me still. But everything happens for a reason, I still believe this, 2 years later, everything has a reason behind it. We won't always have the people we love in our lives, they have to move on and life has to take its course, we have to grow up and grow old and maybe leave something behind for the next generation. We all struggle to find our place in this world, find a chair to sit on and feel like we belong there, a comfortable place where we feel like home. That's what life is about. It's not about princes or princesses that come to save us , because no one will come on a white hourse, we have to go and get what we want, fight for it, make it ours. Put our fingerprint on it, raise our voices and just say it out loud.
Life is about overcoming obstacles and meeting people along the way.
Life is about keeping people we like around us.
Life is about loving and sharing the love.
Life is about opening our hearts.
Life is about being kind and honest.
 Life is about living each day as if it was our last one. 

Reflecting..

As I write these lines, I can't stop thinking about my life and about what I've been through in the last 2 years. So many bad and good things happen. It seems like at the end of a year we all try to think of the year that just passed. I graduated college this year. I am 22, still living with my parents, working and trying to find my own place in this world. Life is tough, not only mine, but life in general. We seem to always complain about the small things when in reality there are bigger problems in this world. So, back to me, I wanted to kill myself a week ago, I never felt so desperate in my entire life and it all began with the smallest reason ever, a mistake I made and in my mind that mistake couldn't have been repaired. So stupid of me to think that. I wanted to write this because I never thought I would be in that situation of thinking of committing suicide. But I did. Still trying to understand why, maybe I was just tired, tired of everything and I thought that was a solution. Imagine if I would have done that, today I wouldn't have been able to write these lines. The truth is that in my religion they say that if a person kills herself she doesn't deserve to be buried in a cemetery and she will go to hell, but honestly I think God gave us the choice to pick how we live our lives, and if we want it to end, it's our choice, our decision, why should we be punished for it? We choose what we want to do, when we want to do it and how we want to do it. And sometimes wanting to kill yourself isn't a cry for help, it's the end of a life, it's just a choice, of finishing something..

Too lost to find my words..

It would be so easy
To close my eyes
And forget everything
I wish I could see
Only the light
Tomorrow 
I wish I could
Just close my eyes
And die. 
The pain made me numb
I lost all my courage
But maybe I never had it
I was like the lion 
From an old forgotten story
About a girl 
She tried to find her way
Back home
And she did 
Finally. 

How does it feel to die?

I am tired of everything, depression kills me and I feel like no one understands me. It's easy to point the finger at someone and accuse them of things, and all you see is the negative things they've done and not the positive. It's easy to just take someone for granted, but how would it feel if that person wasn't there anymore? How would it feel if that person died? Would you feel guilty for the things you said or guilty for not seeing inside of them and how they felt?When you're young you learn and make mistake, it's harder to make mistakes on your own and you learn from them, but right now I wish I could repair those mistakes, but I can't so the only things that remains is to learn from them. Maybe I had a bad day because it's Friday the 13th and maybe I think negative right now, or maybe not. One day I wish I will have the courage to leave, I always said I don't belong in this family and they look better without me in it, maybe that's how things are supposed to be. And by leaving I don't mean killing myself because I don't think I will ever have the courage to do that, I mean just leave and do what I really love, paint, draw, listen to music, earn my money by doing something that I really love and not something that I hate. I wish I had the courage in the right moment in the past to say no, maybe I would have ended somewhere else. I want to do so many things, live, have the courage to do exactly what goes through my head but I don't, I always thing about others and what they think. I wish  someone was here to listen to me,  really listen, not to judge, not to give me advice, just be here and listen and try to understand who I really am. Right now I am in a dark place, and my heart is broken, but they say that when your heart is broken the sun can shine through. I wonder if that's true or not.. 

Happy birthday grandpa.

Number 17 seems to always follow me around. I didn't know why, but a while ago I realized it was my grandpa's birthday, he was born on a 17th. So 17 has become my lucky number. I guess I always have him close, even if he passed away in 2004. He is always nearby guiding me, I miss him a lot, I was 13 when he passed away and I feel like time is erasing more memories that I have with him, I respected him so much and last year I lost my grandma too, they were two of the people that I loved the most. Many things changed in almost 10 years since my grandpa died and the funny thing is that 10 years ago when he died I asked myself where will I be 10 years from now, and now I know. I'm here, writing this. 10 years is someone's lifetime and I know I grew up so much, I was only a child and now I am a young woman. I hope he is proud of me, because only now I am beginning to be proud of myself.

I think I am depressed

I feel so tired and confused and also alone. I have no friends, and I want to talk to someone so badly. But I can't, because obviously I have no friends. I feel like everything, starting with work buries me and I don't have no appetite for life, I feel exhausted and all days are the same. Exactly the same. All by myself and my own thoughts. No one to hold me, no one to listen to me. I feel so desperate sometimes, so desperate that I could scream. But I live in an apartment building, so that would be a very bad idea. I wish I could go somewhere for a few days all by myself, away from my family and re-think things. I should blame Autumn for feeling this way, I guess this thing happens every year around this time. Fall depression.. 

Learning to live

I was so tired of always saying no, that I began to learn how to say yes. I realised how many things I was missing by always being negative. And things changed a lot after my grandma died, no matter how difficult it was, I realised that life was too short to waste it by hiding from the world. I hope that next year will bring more changes into my life, I never said it was easy, but I am 22, for God's sake, and it's about time to start living and not being afraid of what my parents have to say. It was a long time ago that I stopped caring about what strangers have to say, because I am the only one responsible of how I live my life. I don't want to wake up when I am 50 alone and scared to get out of the house, I want to have a happy life and have my own family and that will only happen if I get out of my shell and let the world know the real me. I will never change for someone other than myself. I control my own life and that's the most important thing. 

Be happy.

Be happy, and don't do it for someone else, do it for you. I often forget to do things for me and that's why I am telling you, you should live your life to the fullest for you and for no one else. You only have one life to live, so enjoy each day as if it is your last one LOVE as much as you can and dream big, don't hold your dreams for yourself, send them into the Universe and make them all come true. One day YOU will look back and smile, and let's home we will all do that one day.

Changes after changes

I've started this blog almost 2 years ago and things have changed a lot since then. I lost family members, I gained new friends, I learned to love myself more and enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes bad things that happen make you see life in a different light and re-evaluate things. That's what I did. I am at this age when I am trying to find myself and understand myself more, trying to find my place in this world. Because this world is crazy or has become crazy. We are not protected from bad things, we are a target. I wish I could make all my worries go away, and just live for the moment, but is it that possible? When no one is secure and you don't know what tomorrow brings, is it possible to just live for today and not worry for tomorrow? I am so blessed when other's don't even have where to live and food on the table, I have everything, and I wish I could make the world a little better by doing good things. And it's sad that when I do that people think I have something to hide, it's sad that the world has become so evil and people are running to earn more and more money. Well, I see the full part of the glass too, not everyone is like that, there are people that are actually changing the world, but they are rare and they hide, anonymous.

Routine is not my thing

I've often asked myself  if I am made for the daily 8 hour work program that most of people have. And I am kind of afraid I won't be able to handle it. It's like everything turns into routine, and I am not sure if that's how I want to spend the rest of my life, doing the same exact thing every single day of my life. It sounds boring and a waste of time, honestly. When will I have time to just live? A full day of work after another for a lifetime, I don't think I can do it. It's true, I earn money, but with what cost? I guess I will see what I will think in 6 months or in a year about it. But for now I have doubts about it. And it's sad to think that millions or billions of people live the same life, it's sad because you don't have time to enjoy life, you live to work, and work to live. And many people in my country work 8 hours a day but don't even earn enough to support their families. Some say money isn't everything, but actually it is, especially because nowadays you pay for everything, even rain water. I guess I have to see the positive things in my life, the rest should take second place. 

Sometimes just a "thank you" is not enough

It's funny how no one is there when you need them to be. I noticed that. You help people, because you are a good person, they say "thank you", but then that's it, they don't return the favour and you are left alone to solve your own problems all by yourself. Today, for example, I met a guy that liked astrology and numerology and he asked me about my birth date and he said that I am the kind of person that helps a lot, maybe too much he said, he was right, I help everyone that needs my help and at the end of the day the only thing I earn from that is the satisfaction that I helped someone, nothing else, just that.