Confused..

We always seem to go back to those who hurt us. It's kind of funny, it's like we enjoy the pain they make us feel. It's the same with bad memories, we always insist on remembering them, we torture ourselves with them and what for? What's in the past should remain in the past, that's it, there's nothing else we can change, the only thing that we live for is for the present. People are just like that, if they are out of our lives, and they decided this, why should we go back to them? But it hurts anyway, it's not easy to let go of people you once liked, especially when you are confused about your feelings. We should learn how to love ourselves more before loving someone else. I feel like sometimes we are too desperate to find someone, so that we don't feel lonely, but do we really need them, someone said that everything happens at the right moment, so why force it? I've always asked myself so many questions, trying to figure everything out, but at the end of the day I realize I have even more questions than in the beginning. I feel like we all complicate things when they should all be simple. We worry too much for the small things that no one else notice, no one is perfect, so why bother trying to be someone that you are not?

New start

The end of the year is the time to think of a New Year Resolution, even if, most of us abandon them long before the year ends. But, to act like a normal person, I decided to think of a few goals I want to achieve in this new year, 2014. Firstly, I would want to say yes to more things, I guess I am too scared to try new things because I am too comfortable where I am. But this new year I want to push myself to be more, not necessary outgoing, but live more and enjoy more things that life has to offer me. I guess not saying yes delets a lot of opportunities and maybe memories I could have. Another goal would be to try to save more money, I noticed I spend my money on small things that don't really mater. The next goal I set myself would be to stop looking for love and wait for it to come to me. They say that when you stop looking that person will find you and I hope it will be like that, because I feel lonely in my world right now. The 4th goal would be to try to make the world a better place, there are a lot of mean things around us, but I think we can all make a small difference in this world, no matter of how big or small we are. The last goal I've set is to say more often what I think, because I rarely say what's on my mind, I prefer to keep everything for myself, and I think it's important to say your opinion or your problems, sharing these kind of things helps with the healing of the soul .I hope that by the end of 2014 I will get better at these skills. 

Happy New Year!

Happy 2nd year anniversary

       Exactly 2 years ago I started this blog. A journey I would like to say, but I never knew what new adventures would wait for me next day, next month, or even the next moment. There were desperate times, tought times for me, it was a period to grow up and face life and never know what the next minute will bring. I loved more that time, I listened more and tried to be there, just be there. 2 years ago, I remember this perfectly I heard that someone died, it was a big shock, probably one of the biggest one of my life, it felt like someone hit me hard and made me wake up from a dream. And I said to myself, life's short, why delay things? It seems like we all procrastinate the  things we want to do, we tell ourselves, "well, I will do this tomorrow, because I won't be this tired and this project will be much better if I rest first", don't we? But when tomorrow comes, we repeat this phrase again and again, and we never do what we planned. Well, December 28th 2011 I decided to stop doing that, things won't be better if I wait, things just won't happen if I wait one more day, because I don't know if I will be alive to make those things tomorrow. I just don't know.. So with just a few clicks I started this, and at the time, I was inspired by a blog, someone who wrote something every single day, I did that for a while, but then I thought to myself, I don't have something interesting to say today, so I began to write rarely. It helped me heal, I lost my grandma less than a week after I started this, I kind of seen  it coming, she was sick, very sick, losing weight and I saw how everyday she lost a piece of herself, there were days that she didn't even know who I was. Two years later, she is dead and I am here, not completely healed, but bandaged, too afraid to take my bandages off and see the marks that time left on me.
       I don't regret starting this blog, it's like a diary where I come and see fragments from my past, parts of me, parts from a smaller me. I am proud of myself and I know my grandma would have felt the same. I think about her everyday and I wish she was here with me still. But everything happens for a reason, I still believe this, 2 years later, everything has a reason behind it. We won't always have the people we love in our lives, they have to move on and life has to take its course, we have to grow up and grow old and maybe leave something behind for the next generation. We all struggle to find our place in this world, find a chair to sit on and feel like we belong there, a comfortable place where we feel like home. That's what life is about. It's not about princes or princesses that come to save us , because no one will come on a white hourse, we have to go and get what we want, fight for it, make it ours. Put our fingerprint on it, raise our voices and just say it out loud.
Life is about overcoming obstacles and meeting people along the way.
Life is about keeping people we like around us.
Life is about loving and sharing the love.
Life is about opening our hearts.
Life is about being kind and honest.
 Life is about living each day as if it was our last one. 

Reflecting..

As I write these lines, I can't stop thinking about my life and about what I've been through in the last 2 years. So many bad and good things happen. It seems like at the end of a year we all try to think of the year that just passed. I graduated college this year. I am 22, still living with my parents, working and trying to find my own place in this world. Life is tough, not only mine, but life in general. We seem to always complain about the small things when in reality there are bigger problems in this world. So, back to me, I wanted to kill myself a week ago, I never felt so desperate in my entire life and it all began with the smallest reason ever, a mistake I made and in my mind that mistake couldn't have been repaired. So stupid of me to think that. I wanted to write this because I never thought I would be in that situation of thinking of committing suicide. But I did. Still trying to understand why, maybe I was just tired, tired of everything and I thought that was a solution. Imagine if I would have done that, today I wouldn't have been able to write these lines. The truth is that in my religion they say that if a person kills herself she doesn't deserve to be buried in a cemetery and she will go to hell, but honestly I think God gave us the choice to pick how we live our lives, and if we want it to end, it's our choice, our decision, why should we be punished for it? We choose what we want to do, when we want to do it and how we want to do it. And sometimes wanting to kill yourself isn't a cry for help, it's the end of a life, it's just a choice, of finishing something..

Too lost to find my words..

It would be so easy
To close my eyes
And forget everything
I wish I could see
Only the light
Tomorrow 
I wish I could
Just close my eyes
And die. 
The pain made me numb
I lost all my courage
But maybe I never had it
I was like the lion 
From an old forgotten story
About a girl 
She tried to find her way
Back home
And she did 
Finally. 

How does it feel to die?

I am tired of everything, depression kills me and I feel like no one understands me. It's easy to point the finger at someone and accuse them of things, and all you see is the negative things they've done and not the positive. It's easy to just take someone for granted, but how would it feel if that person wasn't there anymore? How would it feel if that person died? Would you feel guilty for the things you said or guilty for not seeing inside of them and how they felt?When you're young you learn and make mistake, it's harder to make mistakes on your own and you learn from them, but right now I wish I could repair those mistakes, but I can't so the only things that remains is to learn from them. Maybe I had a bad day because it's Friday the 13th and maybe I think negative right now, or maybe not. One day I wish I will have the courage to leave, I always said I don't belong in this family and they look better without me in it, maybe that's how things are supposed to be. And by leaving I don't mean killing myself because I don't think I will ever have the courage to do that, I mean just leave and do what I really love, paint, draw, listen to music, earn my money by doing something that I really love and not something that I hate. I wish I had the courage in the right moment in the past to say no, maybe I would have ended somewhere else. I want to do so many things, live, have the courage to do exactly what goes through my head but I don't, I always thing about others and what they think. I wish  someone was here to listen to me,  really listen, not to judge, not to give me advice, just be here and listen and try to understand who I really am. Right now I am in a dark place, and my heart is broken, but they say that when your heart is broken the sun can shine through. I wonder if that's true or not.. 

Happy birthday grandpa.

Number 17 seems to always follow me around. I didn't know why, but a while ago I realized it was my grandpa's birthday, he was born on a 17th. So 17 has become my lucky number. I guess I always have him close, even if he passed away in 2004. He is always nearby guiding me, I miss him a lot, I was 13 when he passed away and I feel like time is erasing more memories that I have with him, I respected him so much and last year I lost my grandma too, they were two of the people that I loved the most. Many things changed in almost 10 years since my grandpa died and the funny thing is that 10 years ago when he died I asked myself where will I be 10 years from now, and now I know. I'm here, writing this. 10 years is someone's lifetime and I know I grew up so much, I was only a child and now I am a young woman. I hope he is proud of me, because only now I am beginning to be proud of myself.

I think I am depressed

I feel so tired and confused and also alone. I have no friends, and I want to talk to someone so badly. But I can't, because obviously I have no friends. I feel like everything, starting with work buries me and I don't have no appetite for life, I feel exhausted and all days are the same. Exactly the same. All by myself and my own thoughts. No one to hold me, no one to listen to me. I feel so desperate sometimes, so desperate that I could scream. But I live in an apartment building, so that would be a very bad idea. I wish I could go somewhere for a few days all by myself, away from my family and re-think things. I should blame Autumn for feeling this way, I guess this thing happens every year around this time. Fall depression.. 

Learning to live

I was so tired of always saying no, that I began to learn how to say yes. I realised how many things I was missing by always being negative. And things changed a lot after my grandma died, no matter how difficult it was, I realised that life was too short to waste it by hiding from the world. I hope that next year will bring more changes into my life, I never said it was easy, but I am 22, for God's sake, and it's about time to start living and not being afraid of what my parents have to say. It was a long time ago that I stopped caring about what strangers have to say, because I am the only one responsible of how I live my life. I don't want to wake up when I am 50 alone and scared to get out of the house, I want to have a happy life and have my own family and that will only happen if I get out of my shell and let the world know the real me. I will never change for someone other than myself. I control my own life and that's the most important thing. 

Be happy.

Be happy, and don't do it for someone else, do it for you. I often forget to do things for me and that's why I am telling you, you should live your life to the fullest for you and for no one else. You only have one life to live, so enjoy each day as if it is your last one LOVE as much as you can and dream big, don't hold your dreams for yourself, send them into the Universe and make them all come true. One day YOU will look back and smile, and let's home we will all do that one day.

Changes after changes

I've started this blog almost 2 years ago and things have changed a lot since then. I lost family members, I gained new friends, I learned to love myself more and enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes bad things that happen make you see life in a different light and re-evaluate things. That's what I did. I am at this age when I am trying to find myself and understand myself more, trying to find my place in this world. Because this world is crazy or has become crazy. We are not protected from bad things, we are a target. I wish I could make all my worries go away, and just live for the moment, but is it that possible? When no one is secure and you don't know what tomorrow brings, is it possible to just live for today and not worry for tomorrow? I am so blessed when other's don't even have where to live and food on the table, I have everything, and I wish I could make the world a little better by doing good things. And it's sad that when I do that people think I have something to hide, it's sad that the world has become so evil and people are running to earn more and more money. Well, I see the full part of the glass too, not everyone is like that, there are people that are actually changing the world, but they are rare and they hide, anonymous.

Routine is not my thing

I've often asked myself  if I am made for the daily 8 hour work program that most of people have. And I am kind of afraid I won't be able to handle it. It's like everything turns into routine, and I am not sure if that's how I want to spend the rest of my life, doing the same exact thing every single day of my life. It sounds boring and a waste of time, honestly. When will I have time to just live? A full day of work after another for a lifetime, I don't think I can do it. It's true, I earn money, but with what cost? I guess I will see what I will think in 6 months or in a year about it. But for now I have doubts about it. And it's sad to think that millions or billions of people live the same life, it's sad because you don't have time to enjoy life, you live to work, and work to live. And many people in my country work 8 hours a day but don't even earn enough to support their families. Some say money isn't everything, but actually it is, especially because nowadays you pay for everything, even rain water. I guess I have to see the positive things in my life, the rest should take second place. 

Sometimes just a "thank you" is not enough

It's funny how no one is there when you need them to be. I noticed that. You help people, because you are a good person, they say "thank you", but then that's it, they don't return the favour and you are left alone to solve your own problems all by yourself. Today, for example, I met a guy that liked astrology and numerology and he asked me about my birth date and he said that I am the kind of person that helps a lot, maybe too much he said, he was right, I help everyone that needs my help and at the end of the day the only thing I earn from that is the satisfaction that I helped someone, nothing else, just that. 

Random poem #

Beauty will fade,

Tears will dry,

Smiles will bloom,

And pain will die.

Growing up

Starting with June 2011, I started to see the world different. I guess bad days really open your eyes to the world. I started to see how every single person that I meet or see on the street influences my life on a higher or on a lower scale. I learn something from every person.I realized how we only have one life to live, one life to share with people we love, that's it. We have one lifetime to love, live and share, and at the end of the day we all realize one more time that time does pass fast. I think this is also part of growing up, when I turned 20, 2 years ago, I thought things were going to change majorly, and they did, but it's just the course of life, my life changes every day, I see it now.  
I read a few weeks ago a few pages from a book that talked about worrying, the way the author explained things really made me think about my worries, he said that we shouldn't worry about things or about what will happen tomorrow, all that matters is today, one step at a time, one chore at a time, no worries. 
I hope someone will read this, and even if from my perspective it means something else, I really hope that someone, somewhere in the world will also relate to this, that's the reason why I started this blog, I said to myself: "Why wait? Why not doing it now? What will be different tomorrow?Why postpone this?" and this is how I started my journey with this blog. Don't procrastinate, do it now, you never know what tomorrow brings. 

Going crazy

I am so stressed right now, I feel like I am going crazy. This week I have the biggest exam of my life. My heartbeat is racing even if I still have 4 more days until the exam. I am so stressed, I feel like I just need to go somewhere and just relax. That's why today I am going to the countryside, even if it's just 40 minutes away from the city it's the perfect place to relax instead of staying in this small apartment. I will be able to concentrate and focus on what's important whilst staying here it's just driving me crazy. I feel the pressure pushing me and I hope that by the end of this week things will turn out okay. These 3 years of college were all for this big exam. I hope I won't fail, I worked too much for this, too many hours and too much time invested in this. I pray that everything will turn out okay and then I will be able to say I am a college graduate. But until then I will keep on worrying, that's just who I am. 

Re-thinking

When you stand in front of death, almost nothing matters. It doesn't matter that that day you ate French fries, or that the coffee was too sweet, the thing that really matters is, maybe, before you die you remember you fought with your brother that day, you forgot to kiss your mom before you got out of the house, or maybe you just didn't consider important to tell the people you love something nice because you thought you will have enough time later. And those things remain unsaid, forever, just because you didn't tell them at the right moment. I can't stop thinking how death comes often unexpected, but at the same time I think about the people that know that they are going to die, it's a parallel between these things, a parallel of feelings and lives, everything so different when we were supposed to be all equal. So many people die before their time, children that didn't have the chance to live enough, all because of health mainly, and we, the majority don't appreciate our health and we waste our time doing nothing, when this time is so valuable for others, for people that have their days counted. You think how unfair it is for a 13 years old girl to die of cancer, and then you feel proud in a way of her because she accomplished so much in those 13 years and touched so many hearts, and I, 22 years old, healthy, I am not capable of living my life to the fullest, just because my mind is telling me I have time.
RIP Talia.

Turning 22

Today was my birthday. It was supposed to be a happy day, but it was actually a sad day. A few days ago 18 people were killed in a bus accident in Montenegro, and 29 suffered injuries. Some of the people that died that day were buried today. They were all Romanians. I consider it to be a freak accident and apparently the bus driver was trying to avoid some kids that were on the road and that's how the accident happened. I can't stop thinking of it, of how those people must have felt before they died, did they feel any pain? So tragic.. So I spent my birthday thinking of those people, I don't know them in person, but I think of them, and they didn't know that morning was their last day here.
I remember 4 years ago this day, Michael Jackson died, it was the day I turned 18. I will never forget that. It  was a sad day for everyone. 
I wonder what will happen next year on my birthday, will I be celebrating or mourning someone?

I wish..

"Everyone comes with baggage. 
Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."

Once step forward

       So many people inspire us every day. After years, we find old friends, colleagues or professors that we can say we are proud of and the fact that we met at some point in our lives. We realize that after 10 years, we all changed so much we've grown and learned so much. We realize after 10 years that a former schoolmate is famous, and we feel proud of him, in a way that we can not describe. Our lives intersected at some point and it feels nice to meet him/them after many years. You can tell maturity or time has left its mark on us, but we see things so different than we did when we were kids. Now I have learned to be attentive to details, the little things, they are the ones that make us appreciate life and everything we have. You don't know me, you only think you do, but you don't know who I really am. If someone would ask me what superpower I would love to have, I would definitely say that I didn't want to be invisible, because I already am. I go through life unnoticed, walk fast, maybe I'm afraid that someone would stop me. I'm fast and rarely look at people in the eyes, maybe I am afraid someone might discover who I really am, what lies beyond my brown eyes. Someone might discover the true me and my heart.
        Perhaps I often use excuses for who I am, because I am afraid of what others may think about me, I feel alone in my world, but the truth is  everything is my decision, I control everything in my life, but I often leave my  fears to control me. I like to read, and an author (I don't remember his name right now), once said, do not ever apologize for who you are. I repeat this every day and discover that I did change a lot in the last 10 years, I am a completely different person. I slowly learn to love myself and discover who I really am. I am learning to find my place in the world..