Running away from home

I keep dreaming about running away from home. I already dreamt about it 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. And it's not like I have where to go. In my dream, I run away from my family and they are trying to find me, but I hide and I keep running. Maybe I need to find my freedom, or maybe I am not happy with my life, or deep inside I want to leave everything behind. I wish these dreams would stop. They make me think more about my life and if I am really happy where I am. But I don't want to lie to myself, and maybe if my education was complete, I would run..

Second day of September

How often do you feel like crashing

Laying on a pillow and never wake up?

How often can you freeze and never move again,

Life still moves on, another day makes you begin again,

And see that every coin has two sides,

In memory of yesterday you learn to smile

For the love of tomorrow you learn to fly.

Grieving someone that I didn't know

I just feel like writing right now. My best friend's uncle's funeral was a few weeks ago, he had cancer, stage 4. She told me he knew he was sick, but didn't tell no one, and on his last check up the doctor told him he only has 10 days to live and exactly 10 days later, he died. He had 2 daughters, and I can only imagine what those girls are feeling right now, to lose one of their parents, it must hurt to much. My best friend told me that her smallest daughter told her that she is still waiting for him to walk in and give him a kiss. When I heard that I started crying, because I wish we could realize more often how important all the people in our lives, learn to appreciate them more and enjoy every moment we spend with them. More important than love and appreciation to them is health, our health, our family's health. It's so wrong that we only appreciate health when we are sick and we take everything for granted. 

Uncertainty

I don't know how I feel right now, so I will begin writing and see what happens in the end. When I was in high school I thought to myself that I will never regret things or the way I am. But I was so wrong. I thought I will be the same person, doing the same things everyday and never complaining, because the most important part of my life is that I have a family. You know that things change, don't you? And they did. Last year was the worst year of my life, filled with anger and sadness, last year changed everything. 2011 was for me the year that changed my life, or better said it opened my eyes to another part of life. Appreciating health and family, knowing that life does have an end, seeing how a person can become weaker and finally die. Everything, absolutely everything makes me think once again if the life I have right now is making me happy. Probably not, but at least I am healthy.
I always thought that I was meant to be an important person and maybe change other people's lives. I am still young and I know that without hard work I won't be able to do more in life.
I dream. I dream of traveling and seeing places that I only heard of, but a traveler's life is unstable, and I need stability. I need to know that every step I make is to build something, to build something that is visible. I don't know where tomorrow will find me or if tomorrow will find me here. The future is like a blank page, thin, but sharp and dangerous,  empty, but ready to be filled with memories. And when that blank page won't be blank anymore, I want to know that I will look back and smile.

Randomness

I hope you will wake up today, and see that in the world is more than a sky, there are many people who are eager to say "hi" to you, but you don't notice them. Maybe I am in the same situation as you, just walking on the street, ignoring everyone around me and walking faster and faster, using as an excuse the fact that I don't want to waste my time, but everyday goes exactly like that, so I guess that means I am wasting my time. And the funny thing is I know every day is unique and special and that it never comes back, but I just can't start working on leaving a print behind. I am just me and my thoughts that keep repeating, and sometimes a friend comes and listens, until he starts talking and we change the topic. There are so many things in this world and I didn't  even see 1 % of what's around me. Maybe I am afraid of living and there are so many "what if" questions that come up, so many fears, but the time is passing with every second and with a blink of an eye I will realize that a year has passed and then another year until there will be no time to repair mistakes or make dreams come true. And I will become that old mysterious woman, that no one knows nothing about, because she was too shy to talk to people. I am just thinking over and over again about where I will be in 5 years from now, but only I can decide the course of my life.

I want everything, but I am too afraid to get it

          Lately I thought how I would love to leave everything behind and just leave.But how? How could I just leave everything that I have here and go somewhere else to try to do something with my life? I can't. I know there are many people who never went to college and they have a successful career, but no one guarantees that I will be one of them. And it would be so hard for me to go somewhere else and try to work, because all my life I have been with my family, I have seen them every single day, and I would miss them so much if I leave.

           Someone told me to stop wishing and fight to have it. But, I am a dreamer without dreams. I am afraid of failure so it's easier for me to "wish". Things don't happen by themselves, and if they do, there is a good reason behind them. But everything happens for a reason, don't it? So I am trusting  God and I believe that my fears have a reason, and in the end I will be happy.

Remembering

              I've opened my heart for so many times in the last year. But it was never in front of a person . It was always in front of my laptop. Even if it was an empty white box where I could write or just a Word document, I wrote and wrote and I tried to get all of the pain out of my head and heart. I still remember those helpless days and how confused I was,  so angry on how things were.  And I noticed that writing helped me to deal with all those emotions I felt in the past.

Happy birthday to me !

         Today I turned 21. I honestly can't believe it. I already knew the time goes fast, but only when a birthday comes I can truly feel that I am getting older. I can't help myself thinking of how my last birthday was. And a lot has changed since then. Everything changed since 2011. I grew as a person and I learned so many things about myself.  Even if  a year has passed, I live without an important person present in my life, I can always remember the wonderful memories I made with that person. So today was my birthday and still is until midnight, when another person will celebrate his/her birth.
         I enjoy giving back more than receiving something, so on my birthday I feel somewhat uncomfortable. I don't really enjoy being the center of attention, not even if it is only a day a year. I wonder what next year's birthday will bring and how much different from who I am today, I will be then. 

Hi stranger.

I know you are just another stranger reading these lines. You had a boring day and you started to browse the Internet, wasting your time and by "coincidence" you found this short post. You are not going to find nothing interesting here, only my random thoughts about how I see my life and the world. After you finish reading this you will continue to search an occupation and continue to waste your time, but only listen to one thing and remember that life is so short and fragile, and you are wasting it. Maybe you are a popular person or a loner, you had a tough life or a spoiled life. I don't know. What I do know is that by "a strange coincidence" you ended up here and you are reading what I wrote. You might get inspired by some of my posts or you might find them random, but I hope you will find a part of who I am in them.

Books

             I love to read. It's like I am in a completely different world, where I can feel what the characters are feeling and I am caught in the story. It's an amazing feeling to breath at the same pace as a character. To be able to feel every emotion and every beat of the story. When I am reading a good book I can't let leave it to take a break. I want to find out what the next page says and I can't even feel how the time passes. I feel like the book drags me inside and sometimes I can be the one who predicts what will happen next. 

Empty spaces

                Have you ever felt as if you need to be alone with your thoughts? I felt this so many times. But I feel like I have small pieces of thoughts that I can't connect to each other. I always worry for everyone else, but me. I am a listener, but almost no one listens to me. Maybe that's why I started to write this blog, because I could write anything and everything I wanted without someone telling me to stop. It feels good to know that even if I don't have someone who would listen to me, I do have something where I can write my thoughts and my fears. I know all these lines may seem as if they have no sense, but it makes sense to me, and it would make sense to you if you would know who I am.

Still holding strong

            How can time pass so fast? Did I do something today worth to mention? I don't think I did. But I want to think that everyday I influence people in a good way. Even if there is something I say that makes someone feel better.  These kind of small things can influence someone's life in the future. Because a simple gesture, a smile or a look, can change so many things. I always think at the past and I am glad that in the last year I realized so many things, even if this had a cost. But I do feel now that because of the pain I felt I was able to open my eyes and see the world in a better light. I miss you grandma...      

Do you know what I am saying?

               Help people who need your support. Who knows? Maybe you will learn something new. And when you will finish you will feel tired, but you'll know you have contributed to something. Even if the piece you are recognized for is smaller than the one you worked for. That doesn't really matter. What really matters is the fact that you got involved in something and that maybe you met new people and saw new places. This life is so short, if  we would only realize where we are heading. We are surrounded by people and we have to live with them. So why not try to make these days happier for someone else. We don't have to take big steps everyday to make us better people, what we really need is those baby steps that each day will take us somewhere new.

Hi again

             A while ago I realized that everything happens for a reason. People come into your life for you to learn something from them. Because you need them or because they need you. Destiny might be involved, but no matter what their reason for being there is, you need to learn to appreciate their friendship. I sometimes feel I need to be alone and think about some of my unanswered questions, but I know I will always have someone to talk to. Even if it's a person or a blank Word document. I know I will have where to write or talk about my thoughts, even if most of the time I talk about random things, and not important things. 

Confused

            It's dark again. Another day is gone. It was a sunny day, but it's not always sunny. Not here. I don't know why I feel confused. As if I am in a dead spot. I don't know where my life is heading or what tomorrow will bring. I'm still not over it. I still remember things that other people forgot. Those memories will always be there and maybe I shouldn't live in the past and I shouldn't be always scared of what might happen, but no one really knows how my life was. People judge the way we look, because that's what people do. I feel so vulnerable sometimes, only I know how I really feel. I wish I could leave everything behind and someone did tell me I should stop wishing for things and start working for getting them. But it's not that easy when I have so many insecurities.

Random poem #17

I find it hard to smile

When the world looks grey

If you were here to see,

What my eyes look like,

When the night falls on me.

The power of an untold secret,

A smile in a frozen picture,

The sun who shines on me,

And the strenght that makes us we.

Random poem #16

Do you see what I see,

When I close my eyes?

Taking a step back now,

And enjoying the moment.

Felling the eternity for you,

Smiling for the stranger

That is looking back at you.

Forever waiting for a sign,

Never receiving the real prize.

Forgive mistakes that are yours,

And believe in a better tomorrow.

With hope that dreams do come true.

For the stranger who is looking

Back at you.

Ramble in my head

          What if my life will end today? Right in this moment? Will I have any regrets? I thought about this last morning. I know it sounds weird. But  I also know that death is unavoidable. I know that. I know how much it hurts to see someone die. Maybe my old wounds are opened, or maybe my wounds were not closed yet. I feel so often that I need to be alone and think about my life, but I know I overthink things and it hurts to think over and over again of past days. If you are reading this, probably you don't understand who I am or the life I have. I am sure you will never ge to know me, I am just a name in thousands of names you are going to know in this life, it's okay. It's okay..

The power of a simple look

         You know the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? But how much does a moving image is worthed? Even if is taken by a camera that is miles away from here, I can still see that serious look and how much it means to me, only I know. Because when you stare it makes me want to stare. How can you be there, but to look at me with those eyes and make me want to be there with you? You don't have to say anything, you only need to look at me and I will understand. I will understand everything. because we are not twins, but we are connected by something. Maybe it was meant to be..

Random poem #15

I love to see live

I love to see you red

I love to see you cry

And I love to see your

Smile.