Changes after changes

I've started this blog almost 2 years ago and things have changed a lot since then. I lost family members, I gained new friends, I learned to love myself more and enjoy the little things in life. Sometimes bad things that happen make you see life in a different light and re-evaluate things. That's what I did. I am at this age when I am trying to find myself and understand myself more, trying to find my place in this world. Because this world is crazy or has become crazy. We are not protected from bad things, we are a target. I wish I could make all my worries go away, and just live for the moment, but is it that possible? When no one is secure and you don't know what tomorrow brings, is it possible to just live for today and not worry for tomorrow? I am so blessed when other's don't even have where to live and food on the table, I have everything, and I wish I could make the world a little better by doing good things. And it's sad that when I do that people think I have something to hide, it's sad that the world has become so evil and people are running to earn more and more money. Well, I see the full part of the glass too, not everyone is like that, there are people that are actually changing the world, but they are rare and they hide, anonymous.

Routine is not my thing

I've often asked myself  if I am made for the daily 8 hour work program that most of people have. And I am kind of afraid I won't be able to handle it. It's like everything turns into routine, and I am not sure if that's how I want to spend the rest of my life, doing the same exact thing every single day of my life. It sounds boring and a waste of time, honestly. When will I have time to just live? A full day of work after another for a lifetime, I don't think I can do it. It's true, I earn money, but with what cost? I guess I will see what I will think in 6 months or in a year about it. But for now I have doubts about it. And it's sad to think that millions or billions of people live the same life, it's sad because you don't have time to enjoy life, you live to work, and work to live. And many people in my country work 8 hours a day but don't even earn enough to support their families. Some say money isn't everything, but actually it is, especially because nowadays you pay for everything, even rain water. I guess I have to see the positive things in my life, the rest should take second place. 

Sometimes just a "thank you" is not enough

It's funny how no one is there when you need them to be. I noticed that. You help people, because you are a good person, they say "thank you", but then that's it, they don't return the favour and you are left alone to solve your own problems all by yourself. Today, for example, I met a guy that liked astrology and numerology and he asked me about my birth date and he said that I am the kind of person that helps a lot, maybe too much he said, he was right, I help everyone that needs my help and at the end of the day the only thing I earn from that is the satisfaction that I helped someone, nothing else, just that. 

Random poem #

Beauty will fade,

Tears will dry,

Smiles will bloom,

And pain will die.

Growing up

Starting with June 2011, I started to see the world different. I guess bad days really open your eyes to the world. I started to see how every single person that I meet or see on the street influences my life on a higher or on a lower scale. I learn something from every person.I realized how we only have one life to live, one life to share with people we love, that's it. We have one lifetime to love, live and share, and at the end of the day we all realize one more time that time does pass fast. I think this is also part of growing up, when I turned 20, 2 years ago, I thought things were going to change majorly, and they did, but it's just the course of life, my life changes every day, I see it now.  
I read a few weeks ago a few pages from a book that talked about worrying, the way the author explained things really made me think about my worries, he said that we shouldn't worry about things or about what will happen tomorrow, all that matters is today, one step at a time, one chore at a time, no worries. 
I hope someone will read this, and even if from my perspective it means something else, I really hope that someone, somewhere in the world will also relate to this, that's the reason why I started this blog, I said to myself: "Why wait? Why not doing it now? What will be different tomorrow?Why postpone this?" and this is how I started my journey with this blog. Don't procrastinate, do it now, you never know what tomorrow brings. 

Going crazy

I am so stressed right now, I feel like I am going crazy. This week I have the biggest exam of my life. My heartbeat is racing even if I still have 4 more days until the exam. I am so stressed, I feel like I just need to go somewhere and just relax. That's why today I am going to the countryside, even if it's just 40 minutes away from the city it's the perfect place to relax instead of staying in this small apartment. I will be able to concentrate and focus on what's important whilst staying here it's just driving me crazy. I feel the pressure pushing me and I hope that by the end of this week things will turn out okay. These 3 years of college were all for this big exam. I hope I won't fail, I worked too much for this, too many hours and too much time invested in this. I pray that everything will turn out okay and then I will be able to say I am a college graduate. But until then I will keep on worrying, that's just who I am. 

Re-thinking

When you stand in front of death, almost nothing matters. It doesn't matter that that day you ate French fries, or that the coffee was too sweet, the thing that really matters is, maybe, before you die you remember you fought with your brother that day, you forgot to kiss your mom before you got out of the house, or maybe you just didn't consider important to tell the people you love something nice because you thought you will have enough time later. And those things remain unsaid, forever, just because you didn't tell them at the right moment. I can't stop thinking how death comes often unexpected, but at the same time I think about the people that know that they are going to die, it's a parallel between these things, a parallel of feelings and lives, everything so different when we were supposed to be all equal. So many people die before their time, children that didn't have the chance to live enough, all because of health mainly, and we, the majority don't appreciate our health and we waste our time doing nothing, when this time is so valuable for others, for people that have their days counted. You think how unfair it is for a 13 years old girl to die of cancer, and then you feel proud in a way of her because she accomplished so much in those 13 years and touched so many hearts, and I, 22 years old, healthy, I am not capable of living my life to the fullest, just because my mind is telling me I have time.
RIP Talia.

Turning 22

Today was my birthday. It was supposed to be a happy day, but it was actually a sad day. A few days ago 18 people were killed in a bus accident in Montenegro, and 29 suffered injuries. Some of the people that died that day were buried today. They were all Romanians. I consider it to be a freak accident and apparently the bus driver was trying to avoid some kids that were on the road and that's how the accident happened. I can't stop thinking of it, of how those people must have felt before they died, did they feel any pain? So tragic.. So I spent my birthday thinking of those people, I don't know them in person, but I think of them, and they didn't know that morning was their last day here.
I remember 4 years ago this day, Michael Jackson died, it was the day I turned 18. I will never forget that. It  was a sad day for everyone. 
I wonder what will happen next year on my birthday, will I be celebrating or mourning someone?

I wish..

"Everyone comes with baggage. 
Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."

Once step forward

       So many people inspire us every day. After years, we find old friends, colleagues or professors that we can say we are proud of and the fact that we met at some point in our lives. We realize that after 10 years, we all changed so much we've grown and learned so much. We realize after 10 years that a former schoolmate is famous, and we feel proud of him, in a way that we can not describe. Our lives intersected at some point and it feels nice to meet him/them after many years. You can tell maturity or time has left its mark on us, but we see things so different than we did when we were kids. Now I have learned to be attentive to details, the little things, they are the ones that make us appreciate life and everything we have. You don't know me, you only think you do, but you don't know who I really am. If someone would ask me what superpower I would love to have, I would definitely say that I didn't want to be invisible, because I already am. I go through life unnoticed, walk fast, maybe I'm afraid that someone would stop me. I'm fast and rarely look at people in the eyes, maybe I am afraid someone might discover who I really am, what lies beyond my brown eyes. Someone might discover the true me and my heart.
        Perhaps I often use excuses for who I am, because I am afraid of what others may think about me, I feel alone in my world, but the truth is  everything is my decision, I control everything in my life, but I often leave my  fears to control me. I like to read, and an author (I don't remember his name right now), once said, do not ever apologize for who you are. I repeat this every day and discover that I did change a lot in the last 10 years, I am a completely different person. I slowly learn to love myself and discover who I really am. I am learning to find my place in the world..

A big day for me

I remember 24 hours ago I was nervous and anxious for today, I didn't know what to expect. Well, the day is almost over. The graduation ceremony was shorter than I thought and thank God I didn't fell in front of all those people. It was an important moment in my life, finishing college and being with my family. Today was just one of those day that you will remember for the rest of your life. Time goes so fast and the end of something is always nostalgic, it brings up so many memories.

Another milestone in my life

       I am finishing college, tomorrow I have the graduation ceremony. Oh my God, I really can't believe it, it's kind of surreal. I still remember the first day of college, I didn't even know which way to go, the first course, the first person I met. 3 years. Time does goes too fast. I am almost 22 now and so many things happened in these 3 years, good and bad. So many memories, and this is the ending. Or maybe the beginning of something else, as so many people say. I am so nervous, I don't want to mess up tomorrow, and walking in heels is so hard. LOL But the most important thing is I really don't care, that's one of the things I learned in these 3 years, if I mess up, I will laugh and keep going, life is too short to worry and care what other people say. Life is beautiful, even when it rains outside. So I will enjoy every moment tomorrow, even if I fall. Fingers crossed I don't... 

Highlight of the day

Maybe this should become a daily thing: "Highlight of the day". So I went to church today, it's funny and strange in the same time how a place where you go once or twice a year ( in my case) can make you think about life and things. People meet there to pray together for them and for others. That's one of my highlights: going to church.Another highlight would be spending time with my family, and laughing, especially people that were laughing at my jokes. Visiting my grandparents is another highlight, only God knows for how long I will still have them by my side. I lost two of my grandparents in the last 9 years so I am thankful for still having these other two with me still. Another highlight would be being able to listen to music on my way back home. Many people are deaf, so I am thankful for being able to hear and being healthy. We often take health for granted as in many things in life.

I want to run.

Yesterday I had this feeling that maybe I should run without looking back ever again, leave everything behind  and start everything in another country, meet new people and just live my life and have no regrets. No regrets. At all. There is a saying in my country that suggests that often children become like their parents, they inherite customs and body language, and I am honestly afraid to be like that when I will be older. I don't want to live my life for others, but absolutely no one knows how it feels to live in my skin. No one. People try to judge, try to only see the appearences, but that's not the real person, not the real me. I often ask myself if I was gone, would anyone miss me? Or maybe I am just a shadow that no one sees. When two people fight I am in the background observing everything, and thinking that those people only think about themselves, if I was gone, would they notice? I wish someone would understand me. And no, I am not depressed, I am only one of 7 billions people that are trying to figure out who they are, trying to see where I fit in this world, and who will be by my side when I go through tough days. Who will be there for my good days and for my bad days? No one yet.

Quote of the day

"Never ignore someone who cares for you, because someday you'll realize you've lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones. "

A second can make a difference..

You are just a stranger for me. Most of the people are. We pass each other on the street and forget that we ever met. And that is once in a lifetime opportunity, we don't stop, we keep going and just getting on with our lives, forgetting that we ever saw each other. Strangers.. But if sometimes you do stop and talk, in that second your whole life could change, meeting a new person, making a new friend, changing your life a little bit, in only one second everything will be different. Someone could make you smile, you could have someone that one day, when you will have a hard day will make you smile, someone to call, someone's shoulder to cry on. One second can change all your life. It's your decision. Will you stop or you will continue to walk?

Faith

"Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, and on the day of the prayer all of them gathered and only one boy came with an umbrella.That's faith."

                                                                                               
                                                                                        Have no regrets.

Faith

"Every night we go to bed, without having any assurance that we will wake up next day, but we still set the alarm for the morning.That's hope."

                                                                               Have no regrets. 

Another tear on my keyboard #2

What do you do when you feel that people don't appreciate you and the friendship you have? When you feel that you are just the spare wheel? It's funny how people say they are going to change, but they don't and they still remain selfish and doing everything for themselves and thinking it's ok to ignore others, because they won't get upset, just because they are good people and they forgive. Well, those type of "kind people" get tired sometimes, and I got tired not just once, but many times. I talked about walls a long time ago, and they are building, they started building when I stopped talking about a certain topic and they are slowly growing in height. The only thing I can do is to protect myself from being hurt, or getting hurt as little as possible. And today is the first day of the rest of my life, this year is going too fast already. We are already in February and I feel like yesterday it was New Year's Eve, so there is no time to waste. Small changes come from inside, and I said at the start of the year that I want to focus more on myself, so I will try to delete all that is negative or ignore it, just ignore everything that makes me hurt..And remember that what goes around comes around. 

Little things that matter

I was watching a video on YouTube today and there was a couple that was talking about how they met, and they said of how important is to appreciate and realize how much you accomplished in a period of time. Being happy for the people you have in your life and the things that you've done in a period of 5 years, for example. Because we sometimes don't look at things like that, we don't feel proud about the things we learned in a year or the people we met, and those are the things that matter the most. We learn a new thing everyday, but we still say our day was boring and normal. It's good to look back and compare how far you've came, life is too short to ignore those kind of small things, because those are the things that make your life.