Caught up in between

I feel like I am always caught up between being happy and being sad, and unfortunately I always tend to go down, dragged by my fears. But they say that the things you are most afraid of, turn out to be the best things in your life. It's funny how people turned up with these "amazing life quotes", but it's hell hard to make this into reality when you are living the reality. Life is not a book with pink covers that has fairytales with happy endings, life is tough, stressfull, and mean. And yes, we can change everything into a positive thing, but it's so damn hard to. I heard someone say today you can't change the world by yourself. Well, actually you can, slowly, even if you are surrounded by evil things. 
We find ourselves at the end of a year, with the same fears, same life and same great expectations from the future. I am curious to know where this next year is going to take me, or if I am still going to get to live this next year. You never know what will happen. The future is in the shadows, slowly revealing us what life has in store for us. 



The things you are most afraid of, turn out to be the best things in your life. 

Dark again.

It would be so easy to let go, I don't care anymore, call me selfish.. to care.. there has to be more to life than what I live now, there has to be.. but the questions is, will I still be here to live it, in a week, a month, a year or a single minute? Is it worth it to still hang around this place called Earth? In the end we will all meet again in the same place, somewhere less painfull.. way up high in the light blue sky. Will I wait for you there or will you?
No one comes to sweep me off my feet and save me, no one comes to hug me all of the sudden, without a reason..they all blame life. 

24 years ago

Gosh, I can't believe I am turning 24 today. Every year I go back to my old posts and I feel so happy for starting this blog, even if recently I posted more rare. Starting this was one of the best things I ever did and it makes me happy to have here  pieces of me, some are from good days I had and some are from the worst ones. I am happy to say that as years go by I feel like I am closely becoming who I wanted to be  as an adult. I want to do so many things in the future and be happy and live life to the fullest, because life's way too short, you have no idea. I ran across some old pictures with my grandma and sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes, it's been 3 and a half years since she passed away, where in the world did time go? On the 20th it was supposed to be my dog's birthday, it was the first one since he passed away, he died back in October. I wish I could bottle up all my pretty memories to keep them safe from that thing called forgetfulness. I wish to be able to keep everything as alive as they were when they were made, to have that good feeling that's were I am supposed to be. Everything changes around us and we change around everything, always on the move, and never realizing that what we really need is love from our family. We forget to sometimes stop and capture someone and framing that imagine into our memory. Today it rained, and so will tomorrow, but instead of thinking what an ugly birthday I will have, what I am thinking is, no matter what the weather will be, or how many people will remember my birthday, I know that every year I share a special moment only with myself, when I tell myself that I've gotten older, wiser, I recap the events of the year and say hello to the older me.
I will never understand the world I am living in, and the world will never understand me.

I found out I love myself

         I used to always wear my hair in a ponytail, it felt comfortable and easy in the morning when I was in a hurry, and it seems like I always was in a rush. When I started high school I used to have so many insecurities, and I was so afraid of getting bullied, since I moved schools and I really didn't know no one there. I was always an antisocial person, too shy to speak and especially to speak with boys. A few years back (3 years and 3 days actually), I met a boy on the internet and we started to talk daily for hours and hours, back then I had just lost my grandma and was trying to recover and this boy made me open up. I never experienced this kind of friendship, but we were so far from each other. It felt like I finally found someone that understands me, appreciates me and doesn't judge me. He taught me to love myself for who I am, flaws and all, he made me realize that the world is way more bigger than I thought it was, and in a way he helped me open my eyes to life. Maybe distance and the fact that our lives are so different, made us split, we still talk to each other through e-mails, and we grew and continue to grow together, but at distance. 
         Now, 3 years after I met him I finally feel like my life has a future, many things happened meanwhile, I met someone and I fell in love with him, long distance, again. Written in the stars maybe.. It's not easy, and there are days when I feel like there's no point to this, I ask myself if it's going to last, and I honestly don't know. I don't know where the 2 of us will be in the future, together or not. It's difficult and I can't control all this insecurities I have and questions that I can't give an answer to. 
        My point is, during your life, you meet people that give you confidence and make you see yourself like a human that accepts who he is, they make you wear your hair down, and they make you feel beautiful, they make you laugh and smile more often than you did before. These kind of people make me feel like my life is worth living, they make me want to make plans and dream about things I didn't dare to before. We have one life and most of us don't value it as much as we should, we question who we are and where we are heading, we question the clothes we wear, our appearence and the way we behave in public. The reality is we all have one road and one shot in this life, we either make it happen the way we want it or we make our lives depending on what others expect from us, too  afraid to speak up and make the life we always dreamt about. 

Trust me or don't trust me

I feel so confused right now. I thought our relationship was opened and we could talk about anything, but when he told me today that he has a problem and that's his problem and he doesn't want to tell me about it, it felt like I fell from a high building and hit the ground really hard. What kind of relationship is that when you can't even tell me what your problems are? Isn't this supposed to be for better and for worse? Even if this isn't a marriage. It's hard enough for us to be so far away from each other. I feel like he shut a door in my face. It hurts so bad. And this happens after almost 2 weeks of absence from him. So he is missing for 2 weeks and then he comes online and starts a conversation where he tells me he has a problem and he doens't want to talk about it. Why in the world did he even log in in the first place? I missed him like hell in these past weeks and then he does that. They say women are complicated, but men are even worse than we are. At least we try to communicate one way or another, but they want us to actually guess what their problems are. Really? Last time I checked I wasn't a medium. I feel so mad and sad right now, I want to be here for him but he doesn't want me to.  Why does life has to be so complicated? 

I love him

A few days ago I was reading a quote about love, and it said how it comes like a storm, and all of the sudden you realize you are in love, but can't pick the exact moment when it happened. It's like my heart is burning with a new flame, a warm and cozy fire has started in my heart, and I never felt this before, you can't describe it perfectly, my insecurities about myself are still there, but when I think of him and how he sees me, everything is gone. I wish I could see what he sees in me from his perspective, maybe I will love myself more. 
As I write this lines, maybe you would think, how lucky is she for having someone to love. Think again. I never met him in person, we've known each other for almost 2 years now, and I never touched him, kissed him or smiled at him, and he didn't either. This internet relationship is like a knife with 2 blades, on one blade it feels like it's better to meet like this because you learn about the mind of the person first and about deeper things than appearance, and on the other blade it feels like, because we never met, our minds tend to fill the gaps for each other, and it might complete the sentence with the wrong message. Even if he doesn't like when I say this, I am afraid he won't like me after he meets me, because I have low self esteem and I can't imagine what he saw in me in the first place. But love is about accepting the flaws and the qualities of a person all together, since we are all humans. And as you know, everything happens for a reason, and wishes do come true, I wished for someone special in my life and he came, even if my wish came true in a more complicated form, since we live so far away from each other. I wish this has a future, as long as we both fight and want this I am sure things will work out for us. 

Happy New Year !

I always tend to look back when a year ends, but this time I didn't. I only look forward for the future and I feel like it's going to be a good year, I want changes in my life, and I am going to transform all my wishes into reality, I know I will. I usually, like many others, think of resolutions for a new year, but since I already know that I won't keep up with them, for this new year I didn't pick anything exact to change, I only want to take it day by day and see where life takes me. 
In 2015 there will be a few milestones that I am going to cross, like finishing my Master degree, and maybe meeting the man I am in love with. I am looking forward for the both of them. 
So I raise an invisible glass for whoever is reading this and may all your wishes come true. 

I miss you so much my dear friend..

My dog died today. I never thought it would hurt this much when your heart breaks, because heartbroken is the exact word for what I feel right now. This immense pain in my heart and a hole  that no one will ever be able to fill again. I still have tears to cry, but I finished the tissues many hours ago. I will never see my friend again, he was my best friend, he never complaint, he was just there for me, no matter what kind of day I had. Even if I argued him he always came back to me, and today while we were all at work, he died, alone, at home. What did he think of when he passed away? Where did his little soul go? Is he going to watch over me now? I'm heartbroken. I kissed his forehead this morning before I went to work, and never thought that was my final goodbye to him. Oh Max, how much I miss you already. No one will be able to replace him. No one. 

A split second

       We are all equals in front of death, it doesn't matter if you are richer or poorer than me. A family member died today and it's one of these situations when it's hard to believe that it really happened, as if destiny took a turn and this wasn't supposed to happen but in a twisted weird way, it did, and it hurts and all you feel is emptiness and the heart feels weak. It's going to be hard to get used to the idea that I am not going to see or hear from this person ever again in this life, I am not going to be able to invite him one day when I will get married and he'll never meet my children or be apart of my life in the future. It stopped, life ended there for him, I am not going to hear his voice or hear him talk about his fun memories and he reminded me  so much of my grandpa. It think for me that's what hurts the most, he was so similar to my grandpa, it feels like I lost him for the second time. 
       I think when people die, we are all selfish, we cry and try to cope with the idea that they are gone, but the hardest thing is to let go, we are the ones who torture ourselves with guilt because we don't want to let go even if those people moved on, it's part of life and one day someone else is going to cry for us. They all say "it's going to get better with time and you will feel better", but the reality is it's always going to be a gap there, and no one else is going to fill that hole in our hearts, it's like an ugly scar that will hunt us forever, and that scar is called pain, that kind of pain that never heals with painkillers. 

23

It seems like every year that passes my birthday loses it's significance. I used to have such a good feeling on my birthday but nowadays I feel like it's just another day and I really can't enjoy it as I should. I need to find a new passion, something that makes me feel alive. Everything is boring in my life right now, I need something new. something that would make me feel like life is worth living.
It's not that I am not grateful for everything I received today, for me it feels like I don't really need those things and the world has become too materialistic, when in reality those kind of things don't matter, all that matters is to be healthy and with your family and I already have those 2 things, so I don't need anything else. People don't need much to live, but there are so many that don't even have that while other's are living in the lap of luxury and don't know what average is. So today was kind of disappointing for me. 

Not a good day..

What people say hurts me more than what they do, it always has been like this for me. I guess I am too sensitive and it just makes me wanna crawl somewhere and just cry. The world is tough, filled with mean people that are jealous and want to hit you while you are down, and, most of the times, they do get me, punch after punch, they make me feel like I don't want to live anymore. Life hasn't shown me too many moments that would make me explode with joy, and some say you just need to go out and live your life, well, I wish things were as easy as they say. Most often anxiety takes over and it makes me feel like people are looking at me, even if they aren't, as if I am a clown at the circus, where everyone stares and gossips. Sometimes is too much, it's like my brain is telling me, you need to act normal and get out of crowd, because everyone looks at you. I hate that feeling and that's why I don't go out at all, I am safer at home in my own environment, no one (or almost no one) can hurt me here. 

Getting better with age

       I realised how important this blog is for me. Nowadays people don't really write in their typical journals anymore, it's so much easier to just write at your laptop. Thoughts just flow and you can always look back at what your person did in the past. We change every second, we transform into new people, better I hope, we grow up and we have to act like adults. But the past shows us how stupid we acted sometimes or what mistakes we made. It's important to write that down sometimes and learn from our mistakes. We are all wisemen in the inside, or at least in theory, but maybe the future us will understand what the present us is saying. It's time to grow up and leave our inner children behind for the moment, because society is asking us to, we forget how to be young, because our problems take over our life, we are too focused to earn our money instead of losing our time playing childish games, but wouldn't it be cool if we were able to do what we love and also earn money from it? I wish I could find something that I am really good at and do it without fear. 

When do all our dreams die?

Oh God, when I was little I had so many dreams, I thought everything was possible until the reality hit me. And that reality was growing up. 
 I guess our dreams die when we decide we won't make the sacrifices that it takes to get to the peak. When we let our fears rule our life, fear of what other people think, fear of the unknown, fear to speak our minds.  But isn't the unknown what makes us grow and learn, isn't that what makes the journey all worthed? We are too afraid of change, but life changes wheather you want that or not, it's part of the world. A tree grows and becomes bigger as times passes, and eventually dies, but did that tree, during his life left any seeds behind? Today dies tonight. Did today left something worth mentioned for you? I hope you did something to make the world a better place, or something that makes your life better, we are all superheroes, at a bigger or smaller scale, but we are all someone's superhero,or at least we fool ourselves to have something that keeps us going. 
So returning to the main topic, we find excuses not to make ourselves happy, we blame others for our mistakes, most of the times, when we really shouldn't care what others think, or if we fall, we shouldn't think about it for a whole day unless the injuries are serious. 

Running is not an option

       You think it would be easy to just leave and let everything behind, don't you? But it's not, the problems will still be there when you will be back you just delay solving them and who knows maybe when you return they will be even more complicated than they already are. We all think like this, or at least most of us, "I just want to run away from everything", I don't say a break is bad, but leaving things unsolved is. I guess in this life we need to face our fears to become stronger, to grow, not for others, but for us. I mean I think we all have someone that wants to tell us how to live our lives, to their expectations, but we have a brain of our own and dreams of our own, ours, not theirs, only fear makes us hold back and not chase them. We have one life to live, only one. I have one. You have one. What you choose to do with it it only concerns you, it's yours to waste and it's yours to grow it. It's maybe one of the few things that you really own, it's your choice if you go left or right, if you step into a mud puddle or if you jump over it, and if you do fall into a mud puddle how you get out of there and who knows, maybe mud is good for you? Don't blame someone else for you being there. 
       I wish I had the courage to dare God to make me happy, because they say that if you don't ask for things you won't ever receive them. Aren't we all supposed to be happy? We just have to find the right path that takes us there. There's a saying that states that if you don't know where to go, no matter what road you choose, it will take you there. 
       Every day that passes is gone, there's no turning back to change what happened, it's part of the past, it made us older and maybe wiser, or maybe not.. it all depends on the choices we made. 
       Never lose your dreams and remember to think with your heart more, they say that when we have to make a decision, the first thought that comes into our mind is the right one, because if you take longer time to think fear kicks in and all your courage vanishes.. 

Confused..

We always seem to go back to those who hurt us. It's kind of funny, it's like we enjoy the pain they make us feel. It's the same with bad memories, we always insist on remembering them, we torture ourselves with them and what for? What's in the past should remain in the past, that's it, there's nothing else we can change, the only thing that we live for is for the present. People are just like that, if they are out of our lives, and they decided this, why should we go back to them? But it hurts anyway, it's not easy to let go of people you once liked, especially when you are confused about your feelings. We should learn how to love ourselves more before loving someone else. I feel like sometimes we are too desperate to find someone, so that we don't feel lonely, but do we really need them, someone said that everything happens at the right moment, so why force it? I've always asked myself so many questions, trying to figure everything out, but at the end of the day I realize I have even more questions than in the beginning. I feel like we all complicate things when they should all be simple. We worry too much for the small things that no one else notice, no one is perfect, so why bother trying to be someone that you are not?

New start

The end of the year is the time to think of a New Year Resolution, even if, most of us abandon them long before the year ends. But, to act like a normal person, I decided to think of a few goals I want to achieve in this new year, 2014. Firstly, I would want to say yes to more things, I guess I am too scared to try new things because I am too comfortable where I am. But this new year I want to push myself to be more, not necessary outgoing, but live more and enjoy more things that life has to offer me. I guess not saying yes delets a lot of opportunities and maybe memories I could have. Another goal would be to try to save more money, I noticed I spend my money on small things that don't really mater. The next goal I set myself would be to stop looking for love and wait for it to come to me. They say that when you stop looking that person will find you and I hope it will be like that, because I feel lonely in my world right now. The 4th goal would be to try to make the world a better place, there are a lot of mean things around us, but I think we can all make a small difference in this world, no matter of how big or small we are. The last goal I've set is to say more often what I think, because I rarely say what's on my mind, I prefer to keep everything for myself, and I think it's important to say your opinion or your problems, sharing these kind of things helps with the healing of the soul .I hope that by the end of 2014 I will get better at these skills. 

Happy New Year!

Happy 2nd year anniversary

       Exactly 2 years ago I started this blog. A journey I would like to say, but I never knew what new adventures would wait for me next day, next month, or even the next moment. There were desperate times, tought times for me, it was a period to grow up and face life and never know what the next minute will bring. I loved more that time, I listened more and tried to be there, just be there. 2 years ago, I remember this perfectly I heard that someone died, it was a big shock, probably one of the biggest one of my life, it felt like someone hit me hard and made me wake up from a dream. And I said to myself, life's short, why delay things? It seems like we all procrastinate the  things we want to do, we tell ourselves, "well, I will do this tomorrow, because I won't be this tired and this project will be much better if I rest first", don't we? But when tomorrow comes, we repeat this phrase again and again, and we never do what we planned. Well, December 28th 2011 I decided to stop doing that, things won't be better if I wait, things just won't happen if I wait one more day, because I don't know if I will be alive to make those things tomorrow. I just don't know.. So with just a few clicks I started this, and at the time, I was inspired by a blog, someone who wrote something every single day, I did that for a while, but then I thought to myself, I don't have something interesting to say today, so I began to write rarely. It helped me heal, I lost my grandma less than a week after I started this, I kind of seen  it coming, she was sick, very sick, losing weight and I saw how everyday she lost a piece of herself, there were days that she didn't even know who I was. Two years later, she is dead and I am here, not completely healed, but bandaged, too afraid to take my bandages off and see the marks that time left on me.
       I don't regret starting this blog, it's like a diary where I come and see fragments from my past, parts of me, parts from a smaller me. I am proud of myself and I know my grandma would have felt the same. I think about her everyday and I wish she was here with me still. But everything happens for a reason, I still believe this, 2 years later, everything has a reason behind it. We won't always have the people we love in our lives, they have to move on and life has to take its course, we have to grow up and grow old and maybe leave something behind for the next generation. We all struggle to find our place in this world, find a chair to sit on and feel like we belong there, a comfortable place where we feel like home. That's what life is about. It's not about princes or princesses that come to save us , because no one will come on a white hourse, we have to go and get what we want, fight for it, make it ours. Put our fingerprint on it, raise our voices and just say it out loud.
Life is about overcoming obstacles and meeting people along the way.
Life is about keeping people we like around us.
Life is about loving and sharing the love.
Life is about opening our hearts.
Life is about being kind and honest.
 Life is about living each day as if it was our last one. 

Reflecting..

As I write these lines, I can't stop thinking about my life and about what I've been through in the last 2 years. So many bad and good things happen. It seems like at the end of a year we all try to think of the year that just passed. I graduated college this year. I am 22, still living with my parents, working and trying to find my own place in this world. Life is tough, not only mine, but life in general. We seem to always complain about the small things when in reality there are bigger problems in this world. So, back to me, I wanted to kill myself a week ago, I never felt so desperate in my entire life and it all began with the smallest reason ever, a mistake I made and in my mind that mistake couldn't have been repaired. So stupid of me to think that. I wanted to write this because I never thought I would be in that situation of thinking of committing suicide. But I did. Still trying to understand why, maybe I was just tired, tired of everything and I thought that was a solution. Imagine if I would have done that, today I wouldn't have been able to write these lines. The truth is that in my religion they say that if a person kills herself she doesn't deserve to be buried in a cemetery and she will go to hell, but honestly I think God gave us the choice to pick how we live our lives, and if we want it to end, it's our choice, our decision, why should we be punished for it? We choose what we want to do, when we want to do it and how we want to do it. And sometimes wanting to kill yourself isn't a cry for help, it's the end of a life, it's just a choice, of finishing something..

Too lost to find my words..

It would be so easy
To close my eyes
And forget everything
I wish I could see
Only the light
Tomorrow 
I wish I could
Just close my eyes
And die. 
The pain made me numb
I lost all my courage
But maybe I never had it
I was like the lion 
From an old forgotten story
About a girl 
She tried to find her way
Back home
And she did 
Finally. 

How does it feel to die?

I am tired of everything, depression kills me and I feel like no one understands me. It's easy to point the finger at someone and accuse them of things, and all you see is the negative things they've done and not the positive. It's easy to just take someone for granted, but how would it feel if that person wasn't there anymore? How would it feel if that person died? Would you feel guilty for the things you said or guilty for not seeing inside of them and how they felt?When you're young you learn and make mistake, it's harder to make mistakes on your own and you learn from them, but right now I wish I could repair those mistakes, but I can't so the only things that remains is to learn from them. Maybe I had a bad day because it's Friday the 13th and maybe I think negative right now, or maybe not. One day I wish I will have the courage to leave, I always said I don't belong in this family and they look better without me in it, maybe that's how things are supposed to be. And by leaving I don't mean killing myself because I don't think I will ever have the courage to do that, I mean just leave and do what I really love, paint, draw, listen to music, earn my money by doing something that I really love and not something that I hate. I wish I had the courage in the right moment in the past to say no, maybe I would have ended somewhere else. I want to do so many things, live, have the courage to do exactly what goes through my head but I don't, I always thing about others and what they think. I wish  someone was here to listen to me,  really listen, not to judge, not to give me advice, just be here and listen and try to understand who I really am. Right now I am in a dark place, and my heart is broken, but they say that when your heart is broken the sun can shine through. I wonder if that's true or not..