Caught up in between

I feel like I am always caught up between being happy and being sad, and unfortunately I always tend to go down, dragged by my fears. But they say that the things you are most afraid of, turn out to be the best things in your life. It's funny how people turned up with these "amazing life quotes", but it's hell hard to make this into reality when you are living the reality. Life is not a book with pink covers that has fairytales with happy endings, life is tough, stressfull, and mean. And yes, we can change everything into a positive thing, but it's so damn hard to. I heard someone say today you can't change the world by yourself. Well, actually you can, slowly, even if you are surrounded by evil things. 
We find ourselves at the end of a year, with the same fears, same life and same great expectations from the future. I am curious to know where this next year is going to take me, or if I am still going to get to live this next year. You never know what will happen. The future is in the shadows, slowly revealing us what life has in store for us. 



The things you are most afraid of, turn out to be the best things in your life. 

Dark again.

It would be so easy to let go, I don't care anymore, call me selfish.. to care.. there has to be more to life than what I live now, there has to be.. but the questions is, will I still be here to live it, in a week, a month, a year or a single minute? Is it worth it to still hang around this place called Earth? In the end we will all meet again in the same place, somewhere less painfull.. way up high in the light blue sky. Will I wait for you there or will you?
No one comes to sweep me off my feet and save me, no one comes to hug me all of the sudden, without a reason..they all blame life. 

24 years ago

Gosh, I can't believe I am turning 24 today. Every year I go back to my old posts and I feel so happy for starting this blog, even if recently I posted more rare. Starting this was one of the best things I ever did and it makes me happy to have here  pieces of me, some are from good days I had and some are from the worst ones. I am happy to say that as years go by I feel like I am closely becoming who I wanted to be  as an adult. I want to do so many things in the future and be happy and live life to the fullest, because life's way too short, you have no idea. I ran across some old pictures with my grandma and sometimes I can't believe how fast time goes, it's been 3 and a half years since she passed away, where in the world did time go? On the 20th it was supposed to be my dog's birthday, it was the first one since he passed away, he died back in October. I wish I could bottle up all my pretty memories to keep them safe from that thing called forgetfulness. I wish to be able to keep everything as alive as they were when they were made, to have that good feeling that's were I am supposed to be. Everything changes around us and we change around everything, always on the move, and never realizing that what we really need is love from our family. We forget to sometimes stop and capture someone and framing that imagine into our memory. Today it rained, and so will tomorrow, but instead of thinking what an ugly birthday I will have, what I am thinking is, no matter what the weather will be, or how many people will remember my birthday, I know that every year I share a special moment only with myself, when I tell myself that I've gotten older, wiser, I recap the events of the year and say hello to the older me.
I will never understand the world I am living in, and the world will never understand me.

I found out I love myself

         I used to always wear my hair in a ponytail, it felt comfortable and easy in the morning when I was in a hurry, and it seems like I always was in a rush. When I started high school I used to have so many insecurities, and I was so afraid of getting bullied, since I moved schools and I really didn't know no one there. I was always an antisocial person, too shy to speak and especially to speak with boys. A few years back (3 years and 3 days actually), I met a boy on the internet and we started to talk daily for hours and hours, back then I had just lost my grandma and was trying to recover and this boy made me open up. I never experienced this kind of friendship, but we were so far from each other. It felt like I finally found someone that understands me, appreciates me and doesn't judge me. He taught me to love myself for who I am, flaws and all, he made me realize that the world is way more bigger than I thought it was, and in a way he helped me open my eyes to life. Maybe distance and the fact that our lives are so different, made us split, we still talk to each other through e-mails, and we grew and continue to grow together, but at distance. 
         Now, 3 years after I met him I finally feel like my life has a future, many things happened meanwhile, I met someone and I fell in love with him, long distance, again. Written in the stars maybe.. It's not easy, and there are days when I feel like there's no point to this, I ask myself if it's going to last, and I honestly don't know. I don't know where the 2 of us will be in the future, together or not. It's difficult and I can't control all this insecurities I have and questions that I can't give an answer to. 
        My point is, during your life, you meet people that give you confidence and make you see yourself like a human that accepts who he is, they make you wear your hair down, and they make you feel beautiful, they make you laugh and smile more often than you did before. These kind of people make me feel like my life is worth living, they make me want to make plans and dream about things I didn't dare to before. We have one life and most of us don't value it as much as we should, we question who we are and where we are heading, we question the clothes we wear, our appearence and the way we behave in public. The reality is we all have one road and one shot in this life, we either make it happen the way we want it or we make our lives depending on what others expect from us, too  afraid to speak up and make the life we always dreamt about. 

Trust me or don't trust me

I feel so confused right now. I thought our relationship was opened and we could talk about anything, but when he told me today that he has a problem and that's his problem and he doesn't want to tell me about it, it felt like I fell from a high building and hit the ground really hard. What kind of relationship is that when you can't even tell me what your problems are? Isn't this supposed to be for better and for worse? Even if this isn't a marriage. It's hard enough for us to be so far away from each other. I feel like he shut a door in my face. It hurts so bad. And this happens after almost 2 weeks of absence from him. So he is missing for 2 weeks and then he comes online and starts a conversation where he tells me he has a problem and he doens't want to talk about it. Why in the world did he even log in in the first place? I missed him like hell in these past weeks and then he does that. They say women are complicated, but men are even worse than we are. At least we try to communicate one way or another, but they want us to actually guess what their problems are. Really? Last time I checked I wasn't a medium. I feel so mad and sad right now, I want to be here for him but he doesn't want me to.  Why does life has to be so complicated? 

I love him

A few days ago I was reading a quote about love, and it said how it comes like a storm, and all of the sudden you realize you are in love, but can't pick the exact moment when it happened. It's like my heart is burning with a new flame, a warm and cozy fire has started in my heart, and I never felt this before, you can't describe it perfectly, my insecurities about myself are still there, but when I think of him and how he sees me, everything is gone. I wish I could see what he sees in me from his perspective, maybe I will love myself more. 
As I write this lines, maybe you would think, how lucky is she for having someone to love. Think again. I never met him in person, we've known each other for almost 2 years now, and I never touched him, kissed him or smiled at him, and he didn't either. This internet relationship is like a knife with 2 blades, on one blade it feels like it's better to meet like this because you learn about the mind of the person first and about deeper things than appearance, and on the other blade it feels like, because we never met, our minds tend to fill the gaps for each other, and it might complete the sentence with the wrong message. Even if he doesn't like when I say this, I am afraid he won't like me after he meets me, because I have low self esteem and I can't imagine what he saw in me in the first place. But love is about accepting the flaws and the qualities of a person all together, since we are all humans. And as you know, everything happens for a reason, and wishes do come true, I wished for someone special in my life and he came, even if my wish came true in a more complicated form, since we live so far away from each other. I wish this has a future, as long as we both fight and want this I am sure things will work out for us. 

Happy New Year !

I always tend to look back when a year ends, but this time I didn't. I only look forward for the future and I feel like it's going to be a good year, I want changes in my life, and I am going to transform all my wishes into reality, I know I will. I usually, like many others, think of resolutions for a new year, but since I already know that I won't keep up with them, for this new year I didn't pick anything exact to change, I only want to take it day by day and see where life takes me. 
In 2015 there will be a few milestones that I am going to cross, like finishing my Master degree, and maybe meeting the man I am in love with. I am looking forward for the both of them. 
So I raise an invisible glass for whoever is reading this and may all your wishes come true. 

I miss you so much my dear friend..

My dog died today. I never thought it would hurt this much when your heart breaks, because heartbroken is the exact word for what I feel right now. This immense pain in my heart and a hole  that no one will ever be able to fill again. I still have tears to cry, but I finished the tissues many hours ago. I will never see my friend again, he was my best friend, he never complaint, he was just there for me, no matter what kind of day I had. Even if I argued him he always came back to me, and today while we were all at work, he died, alone, at home. What did he think of when he passed away? Where did his little soul go? Is he going to watch over me now? I'm heartbroken. I kissed his forehead this morning before I went to work, and never thought that was my final goodbye to him. Oh Max, how much I miss you already. No one will be able to replace him. No one.